You Can't Make This Shit Up

The Parking Lot Guy (Update)

2011-10-17T09:18:00.000-07:00

I received an email from parking lot guy not long ago (but about a year after the parking lot meowing episode). It boggles the mind that after facing rejection the first time around, some of these men come back for more, and I am forced into yet another “update” blog. I have a theory about that to be addressed in the next blog entry. Here is the email:

elizabeth in pensacola

ebeth,

so no hot make out dates in walmart parking lot lately? u must be working too hard. If ur looking for a volunteer, then look no farther. have willing mouth for you and can travel.

Name withheld to protect the drunk?

If he was sober when he wrote that I will eat my hat.

Let’s dissect this interesting email. First of all, “ebeth?” Two dates, the second of which ended with meowing while trying to make out in a parking lot, does not elevate us to nickname status. I have never been a girl to have shortened my name, and after multiple emails (in which I signed my full name every time) and two dates, Mr. Meow obviously didn’t pick up on that little quirk of mine. Not really shocking considering the arrival of this latest email, is it?

Secondly, I really dislike emails that are written in texting short-hand. Considering I correct my sons’ texts when they misspell or use text short-hand, I really don’t love it for texting either. And do I even need to mention the use of “farther?” I know the farther/further distinction is a toughy, but picking the wrong one is like nails on a chalkboard.

Mini Break for a Grammatical Lesson

Farther: Show a relation to physical distance. If you can replace the word farther with “more miles” then that is correct.

• We drove farther than I thought we would on a tank of gas.

• He wanted to run farther, but his legs hurt.

• My house is farther from the beach than yours.

Further: relates to metaphorical distance or depth. It is a time, degree or quantity.

• There needs to be further discussion on that issue.

• I need to look further into the details of the plan to build the house.

Since I am not looking miles and miles to make out with someone in a parking lot, it is more of a metaphorical search, Mr. Meow should have used “further.”

Moving on…

Lastly, “have willing mouth for you and can travel?” Ewwww! My first thought upon reading that line was, “What does that even mean?” It sent a shiver down my spine…and not in a good way. I’m not sure how that offer is supposed to be appealing. Does he mean he will travel to a parking lot near me? And he wants to make out? Or does he want to talk? Nah. Or maybe he just needs to sing me a ditty, Since the parking lot theme has come up twice, three times if you count this email, I am beginning to wonder if I have some sort of vibe that elicits this kind of invitation from men. If so, someone please help!!

I let Mr. Meow off the hook and did not respond to the email. I decided to color him drunk (it’s the only way I can wrap my mind around it) and call it a day!

The Wanna Feel My Muscle Guy

2011-10-17T09:15:00.000-07:00

Category 1: Those who fail to embrace their own reality.

Category 2: Those who think that women can’t keep their hands off of them.

This was yet another one-date wonder. I’m sure you can guess why from the title. He was a former body builder turned podiatrist. That in itself is chuckle worthy. His profile talked a good bit about his body building days. I am sure he was very proud of his overly large physique. He must have been since he had pictures on his profile of his competitions. You know, the typical enormous muscle bound, greased and posed body emerging from the tiny speedo. To his credit, he also had recent pictures of his less than muscle bound, older and thicker self.

I am not big on overly-big, body builder type guys. I like an athletic guy who is strong and manly, but there can be too much of a good thing. The reason I decided to go out with him was because in his profile, talked about his family, and his work. In emails and on the phone, he mentioned helping to take care of his aging parents and talked about how as a podiatrist, he worked mostly with older patients. He seemed genuinely sweet and smart.

We met for dinner at a seafood place near me. He lived about an hour away, so I appreciated that he was willing to drive to my neighborhood for dinner. When we arrived and met in the parking lot, he looked like his photo (and was big, but not overly-so, and much shorter that he listed in his profile), was polite and greeted me with a hug. I think the hug thing was more significant that I realized in the beginning. More on that at the end of the date.

We sat down to dinner, ordered drinks and I was about to embark on the typical first date small talk. Before I could open my mouth, he looked up from the menu and said,

“Wanna feel my muscle?”

Really? What does that mean? That question is just wrong on more than one level. That is hilarious. He is funny. These are my immediate thoughts as I almost fell out of my chair laughing under the impression that he was joking. In the midst of my hysteria, I looked up and he was not laughing. He looked a little perplexed at my response. It hit me that he was not joking. I’m pretty sure he actually thought I would want to feel his muscle.

Before I could recover my composure, he asked,

“Wanna feel my hair?”

Ok. Now I have no idea how to respond, especially since he stuck his head out toward me a little. I kind of gently patted him on the head and said something like, “Very nice.”

He looked a little disappointed. I felt a bit bad, but I still don’t know what the appropriate response should have been. Should I have felt his muscle (ugh) and his hair (double ugh) and ooohed and ahhed over his immense strength? I don’t think I could have mustered the sincerity to have that be believable. Should I have just said, “You are joking, right?” I may have bruised his ego even more. It seemed to genuinely surprise him that I didn’t jump at the chance to get my hands on him. Maybe my response did him a favor and introduced the possibility that every woman does not want to cop a feel on the first date.

We made it through dinner…and dessert. The conversation was somewhat forced, my fault I am sure, since I deflated him within the first five minutes. He walked me to my car where he hugged me goodbye. And hugged me and hugged me. I think the purpose of the hug was to determine what kind of shape I was in more than anything. He kept pulling me closer and standing back and repeating the process. It was apparent and disturbing to me that I was being analyzed. I thanked him, got in my car and the end. Or so I thought…stay tuned for Guys Who Forgot They Had a Date With You.

The Effeminate Guy

2011-10-17T09:07:00.000-07:00

I had a date. He was a little effeminate. The End.

Split Personality Guy

2011-10-07T09:57:00.000-07:00

Category 1: Multiple Personality Disorder
Category 2: Too much too fast syndrome
Category 3: Those who fail to embrace their own reality

I met this guy on Facebook. He friend requested me. I didn't know him, but we had a mutual friend. We didn't communicate at all for a long while. He posted these odd little animated videos that were based on stories he had written. The graphics were very juvenile and the voices sounded robotic. I just figured he was making some point I didn't really get. But OK, he was an artist type. Upon further review of his facebook, he was living in a smll town in New York and auditioning for mostly local theater and sometimes bigger things in New York City. He was 46 years old and a massage therapist living with his mother. I will just let that last one go...

I saw a story he published on facebook about a girl in a bar who began to flirt with him. She even took him to a private area of the bar. He thought she was going to flirt some more and got excited at this prospect. To his utter disappointment, she started trying to sell him Amway. I thought that was pretty hilarious. I wrote him a little note on his Facebook wall telling him I felt his pain and that he should check out my blog.

He read the whole thing and started writing to me about it. He liked it a lot and wanted to keep in touch to talk about writing and what we were both trying to do with it. Cool. I am thinking it will almost be like a little writing club where we can get ideas, etc. One day he asked if he could call, it would be so much easier, he said. Sure, what the heck. He lives in New York. I will never meet him, so why not? He called that night and we talked for a while. He seemed nice, a little intense. He asked if he could call again. The first week or so, he called a lot. I could tell he liked me and was starting the too much too fast syndrome. He wanted to plan to come visit and said he could really see himself liking me. I was thinking this was just going to be about writing and it never crossed my mind he would be thinking of visiting. But he is from New York. People say things like that and they never happen. So I wasn't worried.

One night on the phone, he dropped a little gem. I am going to send you a friend request under my real name.

"Real name? Arthur is not your real name?"

"Arthur is my stage name. My real name is Marco." The mind reels. Stage name? Huh?

"I want you to start getting in the habit of calling me by my real name, Marco if we continue this."

Well, sheesh. First continue "this?" "This" sounded like a loaded word the way he said it. What is THIS? And I guess I can try, but when you have seen someone's name on your facebook and talked to them on the phone, it is not easy to just shift mid-stream.

"Arthur, I mean Marco."

"Hello? Oh hi, Arthur, I mean Marco."

Ugh.

Not to mention: THAT IS THE WEIRDEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD!!!!! I don't think BIG RED FLAG even begins to describe that a non-famous, local theater actor with odd little animated video stories has a stage name, and multiple facebook pages, and introduces himself with the stage name. Is it just me? Maybe it is...maybe it is I who has lost perspective on "normal." Yeah. No. Pretty sure it's not me. Phew!

And then too much too fast syndrome reared its ugly head. He called and asked me that if I were to date anyone else while he was calling me, would I please not tell him. He tended toward jealousy and he would not handle that well. And he would do the same for me. Well, thanks, I guess. But at that point I started hoping he would happen upon the girl of his dreams in New York. Immediately. And should I have told him I was acutally dating someone...kind of? Nah...he already told me not to...

At some point during our little...what do I call it? Not a relationship, obviously. Not really a friendship because the whole split personality thing precluded me from knowing either Arthur or Marco well enough to call "Friend." How about experience? That'll work. So at some point he seemed to recogize that he was a bit intense with the calls and the jealousy.

"I need to take a step back, " he said. "I know I can be overwhelming."

I always get so excited for a glimmer of self awareness.

"What if I just call you once a week....I will call you every Thursday around 9."

Nothing like being locked in to a weekly phone date, but ok. Better than 4 nights a week and emails on top of that. We will try that. I find myself thinking at this very moment, why? Why did I agree to a weekly phone date? Already there were many Red Flags...multiple names, self-expressed jealousy, too intense, living with this mother (see, I couldn't just leave that one alone). It is a mystery. I should have just said "no thanks."

But we had our weekly phone date. Once. The second week was near my birthday. I was busy that week and tired and just didn't feel like talking on the phone. So when he called, I didn't answer. He called twice in a row and left messages. I was just too tired to talk...well, to him... The next morning I texted him that I was tired and so sorry I missed his phone calls.

No response.

Oh well. I am not sure how long it took me, at least a week, to notice that I hadn't heard from Arthur/Marco. I checked my Facebook and low and behold, they had both deleted me! Can you believe it? I couldn't resist sending a little message to find out why I deserved so harsh a punishment. And here is what I sent:

"I was a little surprised to find myself no longer your friend. I hope the best for you."

Here is what Arthur sent back (verbatim):

Actions speak louder than words. You're actions of not returning my phone call spoke volumes. You're very nice and lovely woman, but I wasn't really feeling it. Maybe I ask too Thanks for wishing me your best. Actions speak louder than words. You're actions of not returning my phone call spoke volumes. You're very nice and lovely woman, but I wasn't really feeling it. Maybe I ask too much, but I don't really think i do. Thanks for wishing me your best

If you care, it shows.

If you care, it shows.

And here is what Arthur sent two minutes later (verbatim):

Actions speak louder than words. You're actions of not returning my phone call spoke volumes to me. It said Your just *NOT* that into me(or at least not equally) I have no room or patience for that anymore.

You're very nice and lovely woman, but I wasn't really feeling it. I think I would overwhelm you. Maybe I ask too much, but I don't really think i do. I just know what works for me and what does *NOT*. Thanks for wishing me your best I wish you the same. Hope you find someone who *YOU* are equally into as*THEY* are into you. -Marco-...

(I swear to god, that is verbatim. Marco signed Arthur's FB message)

And here is what Marco sent one minute after that:

Actions speak louder than words. You're actions of not returning my phone call spoke volumes to me. It said Your just *NOT* that into me(or at least not equally) I have no room or patience for that anymore. You're very nice and lovely woman, but I wasn't really feeling it. I think I would overwhelm you. Maybe I ask too much, but I don't really think i do. I just know what works for me and what does *NOT*. Thanks for wishing me your best I wish you the same. Hope you find someone who *YOU* are equally into as*THEY* are into you. -Marco-..

(And this time, Marco signed his own...)

I guess he just needed me to be clear that they both felt that way and that I shouldn't contact either of them again. Bummer. I could have been like two for the price of one...

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

2011-10-07T09:56:00.000-07:00

Category 1: Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

When a guy starts off the in Liar, Liar Pants on Fire category, he really doesn't need any other category because you have already established a deal breaker. Accept that as fact, and you will save yourself some time.

Liar Liar contacted me online. The same day he started instant messaging me. He was funny, developed a little banter back and forth, and seemed normal. We instant messaged for a few days. He had a decent job in some supervisory/managerial position at some sort of plant. The facts are a little fuzzy, but you get the picture.

On his profile, he had listed his age, height, educational level, body type, as all profiles require. At one point while messaging with him, I had look back to see that he had a degree and asked where he finished college.

At this point we need a little mood music of impending doom.....dum, dum, duuuuuuum!!!!

BIG RED FLAG

"Well, I didn't 'technically' finish college. I have about 25 credits to go."

Ok, well, maybe he's in school, so he is "technically" almost done. Nope! He was not in school, hadn't been back since he left (more than 15 years ago) and had no plans to return. And 25 hours to go is not really even almost...that's two semesters.

Now the point of this little story is less about the fact that he didn't finish school (although as noted in previous posts, I do prefer someone educated) and more about the fact that he lied about it. And the use of the word "technically" is just cammoflouge for "I'm telling you a lie right this very minute." There is no "technically" about it. You either finished or you didn 't. The End.

The question at this point becomes what is a little white lie, is a little white lie ok, and how far do you go to find out the real story. The answer is that it is not about the one small lie, it is the lie that indicates there may be more of those suckers out there. It really only takes one of these dates to figure this out.

Because I was early in the dating experience at this point, brace yourself, I went on the date. I told myself that maybe it wasn't that big of a deal, "technically" he hadn't finished, blah, blah, blah. It was just a little blip on his profile. What I realized is that knowing that he would lie about something so simple and so unnecessary, what else would he lie about? The entire relationship that was all of one date was tainted with wondering if even the simple stories he told were truth. And I started to realize that if I can't take him at his word, then how will I know if he has a business lunch with that woman or if they really have a frequent banger card at the Motel 6...

On another note, the date itself had multiple other red flags. We went to a bar to get a drink to start. Then we went for hibachi, then back to the same bar for another drink. The guy was a fish. I don't think I have ever seen someone drink so much in such a short time. I am pretty sure that if the date hadn't been trumped by the Liar Liar moniker, he would have been undone by the I am in desperate need a 12-step program category. In the end I didn't want to ride with him. I insisted that he let me drive which was not an easy feat..he was turning into an angry drunk. I drove myself home, let myself in and thought of the BIG RED FLAG I ignored. They are there for a reason, people, let's all remember to use them.

I Am the Stiff Arm Girl

2011-07-03T13:08:00.000-07:00

I Am the Stiff Arm Girl

He calls me the girl who can’t ask for help. I am the girl that can’t ask for help. It took his pointing it out for me to realize just how resistant I am to take the offered hand. It is almost painful for me. I find the use of the word “can’t” pretty interesting. Because I don’t think it’s “won’t, “ it’s “can’t.” I don’t know how. Did I ever know, or did I forget? Why can’t I?

He offered to give me a phone. I couldn’t say yes. He finally said, “just shut up and take it.” He came over and set it up for me without a second thought. He even seemed to enjoy it. This was a mystery to me.

He offered to run by the grocery store for dinner. I told him not to worry about it. He finally just said, “We are having tacos…I’ll pick it up.” He bought the groceries, went to my house and started cooking. I stood there watching him cook dinner for me and my boys. Because he wanted to. I couldn’t just stand there and watch, so I finally asked for a job. He gave me the chopping job…lettuce, tomatoes, onions. I never told him this, but when I was chopping, I was afraid I wouldn’t do it the way he wanted it. What if he got irritated with me? When the FI told me to chop, I never got it right. There were certain size requirements for each piece of produce in his world. Every time I tried, he would chastise me and take over. It seems like a small thing, but when the FI could use something so small to make me feel so bad, imagine the big things. I didn’t think my chopping job would matter, but what if... I was angry with myself for even worrying about it because he actually was nice to me. Turned out he didn’t care. He didn’t even notice. How normal is that?

I have been alone for a long time. I thought that I had faced the things that I had been through and had come out pretty well. In knowing someone who doesn’t hate me for who I am, I have learned a few lessons. Some I knew, some I didn’t. One was that I was always alone. Another that I was afraid. A third that I don’t trust.

Alone in a crowd. Ever hear that expression? That’s how I have felt in every relationship I have ever had. I’m pretty sure that’s not how you are supposed to feel. I think that you are not supposed to feel alone. I think you are supposed to feel like even in a crowd, you are seen. That there is that one person who sees you, knows you and accepts you flaws and all. Maybe?

In my first real relationship, I was afraid. I was afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing to set him off. I was afraid of losing him, of not losing him. I had to be sure to say the right things, do the right things, and even then it was never right. I was afraid of pain…emotional and physical.

That is where I started learning not to cry. Because if I cried, it would beupsetting to him and that was not allowed. And bad things happened. Bad things happened a lot. It’s funny how easy it was to stop. I just stopped.

If I felt hurt or upset and tried to express it, I somehow wound up defending myself. All of the sudden I would be swimming in a storm of accusation and I wouldn’t know how I got there. That started the lesson of knowing that I shouldn’t ask for anything. That is a dangerous lesson because when you ask for nothing that is what you get. He taught me that I didn’t deserve the simplest love. I should feel lucky to take what he would give me because anyone who really got to know me would leave me, too. I was not allowed to feel or to need anything…it was better not to be seen.

In my marriage, I was alone long before I knew I was. I was really alone from the beginning. That’s what happens when you are married to someone who is a lie. And I was afraid again. I was afraid of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing. And I once again learned never to cry because it might be upsetting to him and make him feel bad and how dare I?

In the beginning when I did cry, he turned my tears into an attack on him. I was disappointed in him, I was making him feel bad or guilty. He did bad things. And when I upset him, it caused him stress and that drove him to do more bad things. Again, I was not allowed to be hurt or sad.

And when he did bad things, if I asked about them, he would accuse me of worse things. If I had known then what I know now, I would have realized that the accusations were actually his confessions. But I didn’t understand. I didn’t know how he could think so little of me. It was better not to be seen.

In both of these relationships I had to do the seeing. The better I saw, the better I could avoid the rage, passive aggressiveness, and the blame. And for me to be seen, was not ideal. Because to be seen, was to be seen in the negative. It was to be seen for flaws or mistakes or for taking away from them.

I started to think if these men, who I had allowed to know me, hated me that much, maybe I was somehow deficient.

The lesson I learned from these experiences, and amazing how it happened twice, was that you can’t count on anyone but yourself. The minute you start to count on someone, there is payback or resentment. They kept score. Now if I screw it up, I have no one to blame but myself. The risk of having a back turned or being resented for needing help isn’t worth it….I mean how many times can a person be shattered and remain whole? People leave, right? And when you don’t need them, it’s not as bad.

But I have come to know this person. This person who gave me something the first time we met and expected nothing in return. This person who has offered to care. This person who before I ever laid eyes on him, asked me how I felt and why I felt that way. And I didn’t want to tell him. You tell people things and they eventually use it against you, right? The men I have known take the weakness you have allowed them to see and use it to hurt you the most. But that’s

not who he is. He sees what I perceived as weakness as survival. He asks the question because he wants to know and to know me and to help me understand myself. He asks the question to understand himself better having been through so many of the same experiences. He hasn’t once thrown anything back at me, even when I probably deserve it. And I find myself wanting to tell him…I find myself wanting to know him more. I find myself believing that he will be there for me and that he likes me maybe as much for the flaws as the attributes…maybe….

I find myself believing that we will be friends truly forever. Maybe I like him and understand him and believe in him and he likes, understands and believes in me.

Because of him, I am learning not to feel alone. He sees me. And I am starting to let him. I think he probably sees more than I know. I am learning not to be afraid. He likes to tell me to learn that what will be will be. That is a hard lesson for me because what has been has hurt. But where I have expected hurt, he has understood me. And I am learning to trust. He tells me I am safe. I am working to believe that. I think I do.

I have learned that I wasn’t as together as I thought I was. I have learned that not allowing yourself to be who you are steals your life away. I have learned that not believing that someone could care is a way of asking for nothing. I have learned that when you find a person who sees you and likes you anyway it is truly a gift.

Allowing yourself the luxury of feeling like you can ask for help is, for me, the hardest and scariest thing ever. I have had so much practice not asking that I don’t even recognize anymore when I need it. Asking would not occur to me. Taking it takes some serious deep breathing. And being able to believe I am allowed to need someone I can count on…

Well, we’ll see…

The Rude Dude

2011-06-23T19:18:00.000-07:00

Category 1. Those who leave you mouth agape with their rudeness

Category 2. Too much too fast

Category 3. Master of the backhanded compliment

I don't really even remember how I met this guy. I am sure it was online, but the overriding memory of his rudeness is so strong, I can't remember much else. I do remember his dancing...but I'll get to that in a minute. There were two dates. Which for me, isn't too bad considering I am the queen one-date wonder.

The first date was just for a drink. We met at Bonefush Grill. I recognized him immediately...good sign. I sat down. The first thing out of his mouth was this: I am so glad you are not skinny. Seriously? The thought of turning on my heel and heading out the door was more than fleeting. I know what I look like. Actually, I agonize over it, especially before a date. I even tend to avoid mirrors as much as possible. I realize this is a personal problem, but I am pretty sure it does not take a rocket scientist to realize that is not a great opener. He seemed to realize this was not the greatest starter and went overboard to correct. Um...that's not what I meant...you know....Ok. This could be a very short date, but we are here. So...get me a freaking drink....

The date was fine. He actually was fairly nice. He was a published composer and had something played on Saturday Night Live. Very cool. His day job was singing on a dinner cruise. In the back of my mind, a little debate began...sophistocated musician or cheesy lounge singer....hmmmm. Conversation was good and we seemed to have a few things in common. One weird thing was that every now and then he would just stop what he was saying and kiss me. No warning, no little romantic moment. Very random. Huh. Still not sure how I feel about that.

The next day, he asked me to go to dinner and a movie. He picked me up, smelled overly, and I mean overly, good. While I like a good smelling guy, breathing is also a plus. But I digress. As we were driving, it became clear that he wanted to demonstrate his singing skills to me, so he blasted the music and started singing at a volume and pitch that should have had the dogs howling. He really wasn't bad, but we were trapped in a small car. At this point I did begin leaning a bit toward cheesy on the cheesy/cool meter. Lucky for me though, short trip to dinner.

At dinner, we started with decent conversation, but I got a weird vibe pretty quick. I asked him about kids since he had none. I just wanted a feel for his thoughts or exposure to them. He became very serious and very defensive. He seemed to feel like I was attacking him for not having any. I just wanted to know how he felt about kids. I thought it was a normal question. He had this intense stare that kind of backed me up against my seat. I have heard from some people who shall remain nameless that I have a pretty rocking evil eye...but I think Rude Dude has me beat. Suddenly, after a few minutes, he lightened up and was normal. It happened again when he began to give me his financial situation in a nutshell. Now, this is not something I would ever ask, especially on a first date. It is really an uncomfortable situation to have someone list his assets. I mean, how do you react to that? Applause? Nod and smile? I should have just said, hey buddy, TMI. He was very serious, almost defensive, rattled off the money list with THE STARE in effect and then popped back to jovial and fun.

So again the internal dialog reels. Does he have a mental disorder that involves cycling? Does he have anger issues? Who can really flip an emotional switch in five minutes flat? Questions that boggle the mind. When I started to envision myself as the road runner shooting from one side of the desert to the other to avoid the plummeting anvil (aka THE STARE), I knew that was not good. Does anyone else ever get these kinds of mental pictures? Just curious...But anyway, on to the movie.

After dinner we got to the movie really early. Apparently, the perfect seat in the theater is of vital importance. We were so early we had to wait in the hall until the theater was cleaned. While we stood there waiting, he started talking about moving closer to Pensacola and looking for a job here. While flattering, too much too fast. But he was sweet and enthusiastic. He talked about taking me to see his dinner cruises, going on trips. And then he started to dance. And sing. In the hallway of the theater. Remember Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air? This dude was the older white version. Seriously. Could have been a clone. Now I don't know whether to be entertained because I appreciate a good showtune as much as anyone, but in the hallway, it was a bit much even for me. And the meter screamed cheesy. At least I got that little debate settled.

Thankfully the cleaning crew came out and we went in. As we sat for a while all alone, the theater finally started to fill. At the end of the aisle, I noticed two guys, probably early 20s. They were playing rock, scissors, paper. I looked over and realized they were fighting for the end seat and decided to settle it the only way two boys/men can settle a disagreement: by playing a game with their hands. For some reason that cracked me up. Two grown men playing rock, scissors, paper for a seat. So I asked them if that is what they were doing. "Yep!" Funniest thing I've seen in a while, I told them.

I looked over at rude-boy. He was not happy. This was the beginning of the end. "Well," he said, "If you are distracted by that, obviously I am not doing enough to keep your attention." There it was again...THE STARE. At first I thought he was kidding. I must have looked horrified because he backed off and told me it was fine. "You are just an observer, " he said. "Don't worry about it." I couldn't help looking up for that anvil...

The next thing I knew, the theater was packed and there were two empty seats next to me and one on the other side of him. Three women came up to us and asked if we could scoot down one so that they could sit together. He looked directly at them. "No. actually, we can't." I sat there for a minute. Again, I thought he must be kidding. This had to be a joke, right? I mean, come on. But no response. There was that stare again. Only this time directed at these poor women. I quickly got up and took the empty seat on the other side of him. "That was very deftly handled," he said. What? Thanks, I think, but why should I have to "deftly handle" my date? It was the longest movie of my life. I sat with my hands in my lap trying not to make any sudden movements. I could not wait to get out of there. He got it. I can't really hide much on my face. When he drove me home, he dropped me off quickly and later sent a text that I was closed off and emotionally unavailable. And he was right. I was. To him...

Dysautonomia Guy

2011-06-19T15:36:00.000-07:00

Category: The ones that kind of freak you out.

This guy wrote me a nice note. Upon looking at his profile, he seemed to meet all of the basic requirements. He was the right age, picture looked normal (although knowing what I now know, why would I even write that sentence...). He was educated, had a job, could put together a sentence. Ok, so I will reply. In writing back and forth, he was funny. I like funny. And smart. I like smart. So off to a good start.

So we moved to phone calls. It is always funny when you talk to someone for the first time on the phone after writing each other. There are times when the voice just does not match the idea in your head. So when he called....Holy Southern Accent, dude! I think there are Southern accents, and there are redneck accents. He lacked the grammatical errors of the sterotypical redneck accent, but phew! He had a DRAWL. He even said, "I know my accent is probably a surprise to you. I get that a lot." Gross understatement. But...moving on!

We talked on the phone a lot. He called every night. He seemed really interested, and in talking, despite the ACCENT, he was well-educated and knowledgable. And then he said, "So your ex-husband is a lawyer."

BIG RED FLAG

And the reason it was a big red flag was because I hadn't mentioned my ex-husband. I learned early in the dating experience that telling someone too much about the bad things can cause regrets later. It is a story I don't tell easily. So imagine the flash of panic that he knew anything I hadn't told him. Was he playing a game? Did he know my FI? What did he know? How did he know? So I asked.

I had told him my maiden name and because we had both grown up in Pensacola, we had talked about where we went to high school. From those two pieces of information, he did research on the computer and knew where I went to college. He found my marriage license and therefore, my married name. He googled me and found my place of employment. He googled my ex-husband and knew where he went to school, when we were divorced, that he worked for my father before and knew where he was working then.

I can't describe the awful tingle of creepiness that crawled up my spine. I had a stalker situation for two years in college, and I was sure that despite my over-sensitivity to that kind of ...leering into my life, this was still creepy. When he sensed that this wasn't a funny little thing he had just revealed, he said, "Aren't you doing the same thing?"

He said I should be doing the same thing. He said to go do it and he would expect it. And by the way, I can explain away all of the lawsuits, he said. He did some real estate business, and there are always lawsuits going on about something. I do think that can be true, but the sheer length of the list under his name in the Clerk of the Court website was disturbing.

As you can imagine, my comfort level plummeted.

The other thing weighing on my mind was that during all of our talks, he had revealed that he had an illness. He had something called dysautonomia, and had sought me out because my profile shows my job as a representative for Social Security disability claimants. He thought I was perfect and a "gift from God" because I would understand his situation and be empathetic. He said mostly he was fine, but he had some issues.

I understood his situation alright. I had a client with this same thing. It is horrible. It causes all of the systems in your body that control autonomic function to fail or go awry. The symptoms include fainting, extremely low blood pressure, inappropriate feelings of intense heat or cold, breathing problems, extreme nausea. It is horrible.

He told me about one time when his mother came to check on him and his blood pressure was so low that she couldn't find a pulse and thought he was dead. We were supposed to meet once and he cancelled because he was too sick. We never did meet. I realized his was a bad case.

This kind of information does all kinds of things to your conscience. I was feeling freaked out already by the amount of research he had done. But I didn't know what to think of the fact that he had sought me out becuase of my job. My job is hard. It is emotionally draining. Back then, I was still working on keeping that at a distance so it didn't get to me every night when I tried to sleep. I didn't want his illness to factor into my thoughts, but I was just coming off of a time filled with my son's diagnosis of epilepsy and a solid year of regular seizures.

The way he described how he decided to write to me made me feel like he just wanted me to take care of him. I knew you would understand, he said. I knew you wouldn't be afraid. I knew you would be there. Is that fair? Is it fair to use the internet to find someone to take care of you? In my mind, I wanted to find someone who could take care of me as much as I of them. Was I heartless of me to think such thoughts?

And there was the creepy feeling of being researched. I couldn't get past that. It was a lot spinning in my head. I would never have left a spouse that came down with an illness. When I love someone I love them all the way. But how do you feel about starting something with someone who chose you as a nurse maid. Ugh!!!

In the end I wrote him a note that I just thought we were not a good fit. He didn't take it well. He called for weeks and continues to "wink" at my profile years later. These continued winks still cause little twinges of that creepy feeling as well as the twinges of the conscience.

The Bonehead Guy

2011-06-13T14:17:00.000-07:00

I met this guy because he, at the encouragement of my friend, played a joke on me. He contacted me on match.com under the guise of misreading my profile and thinking I liked ants rather than the “arts.” Knowing him as I do now, that was actually a pretty pitiful story. I looked at his profile and the dude could write. A rarity. He was smart. Another rarity. He did, however, go to the Naval Academy. BIG RED FLAG. We talked back and forth for a bit and eventually ended up texting on the phone.

And then he dropped the little bomb. Out of the blue. “I like your blog,” he said.

BIG ENORMOUS RED FLAG.

That kind of statement coming from someone on an online site is a heart-stopping, sick-in-the-pit of the stomach little bomb.

The mind reels. I actually have a clear understanding of that cliched phrase now. What? He knows about the blog. Crap, how did he find it? Why is he contacting me? Crap. Crap. Crap. Then it hit me. I have a girl friend who promotes it to anyone she knows and is also on match. I typed her name in a text. “Haha,” he replied. Mystery solved. I have to say, it is a little deflating to know that someone has written to you to play a joke. But that was then and this is now.

The mystery was solved and the joke was over, but he kept talking. I don’t even know what we talked about exactly in the very beginning. I know I wondered why he continued to text when he was dating someone else. Apparently you can’t have too many friends. And friends we have become. I am pretty sure I talk to him as much or more than most of my friends.

The thing I still haven’t figured out is how the conversation turned. I think I wasn’t having a great day and persistent little sucker that he is pushed for an answer. I started telling him about my divorce. I don’t tell a lot of people about that, but for some reason I told him. A total stranger that I had never met and thought I never would meet. I have never told anyone everything, but he knows as much as anyone now. I remember thinking over and over that this was just so weird. Why am I telling him these things? What if he’s not someone I can trust?

But with everything I told him, he understood. That was really weird because this whole conversation was by text. We seemed to have the ability to understand and infer each other’s meanings and moods without actual conversation. I have a love/hate relationship with that. I only let people see what I want them to see, so having him see so easily is unnerving.

Later his ability to understand became clear to me. I was telling him my story….of being married to a sociopath. He listened and asked questions and never made a judgement. The next day, he told me that his father was a sociopath.
“The whole time I was telling you, you knew?” I asked. That scared me. If he acted like he didn’t know and he did, then it felt deceptive.

“No,” he said.
“You realized it as I was telling you?”
“Yes.”

That broke my heart. He obviously knew his father wasn’t the man he should be. And it turned out he hasn’t seen him in 14 years. But to realize that your father is a sociopath because of someone else’s story is not okay. No kid no matter how old should have to realize that. And one day my kids will be adults having that same realization. Ugh.

The tie that binds is that connection to dysfunction. Great start to a great friendship, isn’t it? Those who have not experienced that level of dysfunction do not get it. I have tried to explain the dynamic of that kind of dysfunction to some friends. They never get it because they make suggestions or have ideas of how to handle it. The understanding that they lack is to do with the fact that sociopaths do not understand right from wrong and have no conscience. One of my big mantras is that you can’t rationalize with irrational people. So in talking to this guy, I can say one small thing and he has a lifetime of knowledge.

He is interested in me for my perspective on a relationship to someone like my FI. I just this minuted realized that I watch him, in part, to understand my children better. I watch him and have hope that despite having no real father, they will turn out to be smart, successful men…like he is.

This is not to say that he has it all figured out. I think his fear is probably normal, but he fears who he has been and who he will be. He worries that sociopathy is something he can’t escape. This is seriously boneheaded. I don’t think this fear overwhelms him, but that kind of thing drives me crazy. Be who you are. And screw anyone else. We have talked about choices in life. I blame the FI’s parents for many problems, but I hold the FI solely responsible for his behavior. I have only known the bonehead for a few weeks, but he has not shown me anything sociopathic. I don’t know who or where he has been. I do know that when I broke my phone, he gave me one, came to my house and set it all up and was nice to my kids. I do know that when I explained why my kids crave attention, he gave them more. That is not something that comes naturally to most people.

So the conversation began and the conversation continues. We seem to understand each other and have a curiosity about each other to learn something about ourselves.

The Parking Lot Guy

2011-05-23T19:35:00.000-07:00

Category 1: Those who do not learn from others' mistakes.
Category 2: Those who do not take "no" for an answer.

As usual, Parking Lot Guy seemed normal. He was tall. Yea! He had an education and a job. Nice! He had a son he adored. SEEMED like a nice, normal guy. I think we can all agree at this point in the blog, that "seem" is a four letter word in my life. Most people are not what they seem. The trick is to see how long they can keep "normal" up. So I often wonder, are some people better projecting normal than others or am I just getting better at discerning the nutcases. It is probably a combination of both.

Sorry, tangent.

So I had lunch with Parking Lot Guy. We went to a sports bar, had a nice lunch and good conversation. He was a little bit shy, but that was fine because I don't have a problem filling the silence as long as there is some participation from the guy. I do actually want to get to know people, and I can't do that by talking.

BIG RED FLAG

An aside that becomes relevant later...during lunch, I kept hearing this noise coming from his direction. It was like something in the back of his throat. Hard to describe in words, but it was a little tone, almost a quick hum, from high to low. It was purr-like or a sort of meow. This was perplexing. Did he know he was doing it? Was it a nervous habit? Was I imagining it? My mind reeled. Internal dialog ran amok. At times I couldn't focus on the conversation because I was anxiously awaiting the next meow to see if it was all in my mind, or if he was aware he was doing it. Every time it occurred, I analyzed his face to see if he had a reaction...a glimmer of awareness. How could he not look even slightly self-conscious since I was exceedingly conscious. Such a mystery.

Another aside. If there is something like a meow distracting you from focusing on the actual date. NOT A GOOD SIGN.

After lunch we walked down the street to the park at the pier. Beautiful day. Nice walk. We sat on the benches that the pier and looked at the water. He was shy and sweet. He held my hand...very sweet...and didn't try to get fresh with me. And as hard as I tried, I didn't hear the meow. Good news.

The next day, he invited me to drive to Alabama and he would show me around his area. We met at the outlet mall, had a little lunch and then got in his car to see the sights. He had a convertible, so this was a perfect day for a drive....a long, long, endless drive. Apparently there was no destination. He drove me by some work he had engineered. He drove me through downtown. He drove me down rural roads. He stopped for gas and chewing gum. And he drove some more. I hadn't thought to ask, but I assumed we would stop at some sight to see somewhere and see a sight. Not to be.

One of the things we had discussed on our date the day before was our experience with first dates. I relayed the Walmart Parking lot story to him and he laughed and laughed. So you can imagine my surprise when after 3 hours...let me say it again...3 hours of driving, he pulled into a parking lot. It was not Walmart, so let's just stop to give him a little ovation just for that. It was some industrial area near the interstate.

"Is this ok?" he asked.

"What? What are we doing?"

He kind of giggled.

I was thinking, really? He is not. He is not pulling into a parking lot. Well hell.

So, he said, "I have been wanting to do this all day."

Well crap.

He leaned in for a kiss. Short and sweet. So okay, not that bad. But then he curled up and put his head on my shoulder. Did I mention he was 6'3"? He had to scoot way down in his seat to even accomplish the head on my shoulder position. I don't know why I feel this way, but a big, grown man slinking down to put his head on a woman's shoulder is kind of weird. I felt like I should pat him on the back and tell him everything would be okay. It was little boyish, I guess.

Alas, the shoulder position didn't last long. He moved back in for the kiss. And there it was...the meow. Now considering that I was a little bit miffed by the whole parking lot thing after I had told him the error of Walmart Parking Lot Guy's ways, and the fact that I had a destinationless date, I would have stopped him sooner, but the fact that he was meowing was just, well, fascinating. So I let him kiss me a little longer than was comfortable (well, none was comfortable) while I tried to figure it out. I couldn't. The whole time he kissed, he meowed. I have to say, hands down, weirdest kiss I have ever had. It was kind of a whimper meow. I still can't figure it out.

I finally had to say that I needed to get home as my kids were coming back soon. I didn't ask about the meowing. I wish I had. It's a question that comes to me every now and then. An unsolved mystery. I did have the nerve to say, "I can't believe you took me to a parking lot." He laughed at my "joke." I guess it's better for him that he thought it was a joke. He spared his own feelings.

The Walmart Parking Lot Guy

2011-05-23T18:51:00.000-07:00

Category 1: Those who kind of freak you out.

So he seemed normal, checked of the list of acceptable criteria...except for one thing...he was 6'6". I love a tall guy as I have mentioned before, but 6'6" is oddly tall. I didn't fully comprehend the oddity until I cam face to face, or should I say face to rib cage?

We met at the beach. It was even kind of sweet that he wanted to meet to take a walk on the beach. I can't tell you how many people actually state the desire for a beach walk in profiles, but never once had I been invited for such a date until Mr. Tall. We met at the beach ball water tower on Pensacola beach. After making our initial small talk, we started to walk. It didn't take me long to realize that his long, lanky stroll amounted to a trot for me to keep up. I don't know how long I thought we would go, but we walked...and walked...and walked some more.

Now, I don't know if it is apparent, but I have a competitive streak. I was NOT going to ask him to slow down, nor was I going to huff and puff and let him see the effort it was taking for me to keep up. It became a personal mission. To look cool and collected while trotting.

Finally, after what I think is about a mile and a half, we got to Peg Leg Pete's, a beach restaurant. Thank goodness he wanted to get a beer and eat! Rest. Maybe I will make it back!

Dinner was good. Conversation flowed. Normal, normal, normal! Good news.

And then...the dreaded walk back. I blame the beer and food, but before even a third of the way back, I had to swallow my pride and say, "Hey...you take seriously big steps....you think we can slow down a bit?"

"Sure! Need a break?"

This was the excuse he must have needed to try a kiss. This part cracked me up...not the kiss itself, it was fine. But the maneuvering required for him to kiss someone a foot shorter. Instead of bending to reach, he stood with his feet a good yard or more apart so he didn't have to bend down. I don't know why I found that so funny, but it cracked me up! So he kissed me standing in the biggest Second Position I had even seen.

Every five minutes or so on the way back, he took time to let me rest and give me a kiss. He seemed nice, and I was enjoying the date (minus the trotting) so why not? The only thing was, with each progressive break, he became a little more aggressive. As we got closer, I tried to start emphasizing that I had to go relieve the babysitter. It was dark, on the beach and with few other people around. I wasn't worried, but safety, safety, safety.

When we finally made it back to our cars, he started talking about getting together again. Okay, I thought. This was a decent first date. Why not?

"Let's meet tomorrow night," he said. "I want to see you tomorrow."

I couldn't make such spur of the moment plans at that time because my kids were younger, and I needed a sitter. I told him I would see what I could work out.

"Even if it's just for a little while," he said. "We can meet at the Walmart parking lot down the road there to make out."

Really? He didn't just ask me out to the Walmart parking lot. How many levels of wrong is that? I rate a Walmart parking lot? Is he destitute and can't afford even a McDonald's? I'm not one of those who requires a lot. I am usually thrilled with not being asked to Sweeten the Deal on a date. Really. I am pretty easy to please. But the Walmart parking lot? If I had only known at that time that I would eventually write this blog, I could have thought of it as a gift.

##

The "All In" Guy

2011-05-22T19:16:00.000-07:00

Category 1:     The too much too fast syndrome.
Category 2:     I love you but I've never met you.
Category 3:     I want to get married and you will do.

All In Guy had a very nice profile. He didn't seem angry, bitter, holding on to his last relationship...no apparent red flags. He was educated, had a job and wrote an upbeat little profile. So when he wrote a note, I responded. He moved to a phone call that same day. I always appreciate that because you get a feel for a person so much better over the phone as a general rule.

The phone call was nice. Good old Alabama boy. Loved the South, sports, Alabama football. A bit of a sports fanatic, but a guys guy. We talked easily and had a good, funny dynamic off the bat. And then I asked him how many online dates he had so far...

BIG RED FLAG

"You are the first."

The dreaded words...you are the first. Ugh! Still, I gave the benefit of the doubt. He had dated someone since his divorce, just not from meeting online. I wasn't his first date...that made it okay. Or so I thought.

The conversation continued. He talked about wanting to get a place in the water about forty-five minutes from where I live.

BIG RED FLAG

"Are you committed to Pensacola, or are you willing to move? "

This question can be legitimate, but the first conversation is a bit early for this talk. How about are you committed to having coffee? The moving point could be moot after half a cup. I still didn't think that was a huge deal. Some people like to set their boundaries right off the bat. Not a deal breaker at this point. And then...

BIG RED FLAG

"I lost the boat in the divorce," he said. "But I will get another one when I move to the water."

Ok, here's the thing...if you bring up what you "lost in the divorce" in the first conversation with a girl...it sends so many wrong messages. First, you are bitter. I understand the feeling, but if you are not past it enough not to feel compelled to share it with a total stranger, maybe not ready to date. Second, you are still angry. Once again, not ready to date.

Conversation continued. He said he had been online for about two weeks. He had looked at profile after profile and decided that mine was the one he liked. Now that is flattering. Who wouldn't enjoy that statement? Right? And then, he said, "Now that we have talked, and we get along, I want to meet you. I am a one-at-a-time kind of guy and I'm not looking at anyone else's profile."

Okay, that is a bit much. I decided he was just an inexperienced online dater. Who commits to someone after one phone conversation?   To be honest, I thought he was joking. He wanted to meet as soon as possible. That weekend, I had a full schedule. He kept trying to talk me into squeezing him in or inviting him to things I had planned. One thing I don't do is invite a total stranger to events with my friends. It's just odd. And pressure.

I decided I could meet him for a drink early that Friday before dinner with friends. We had talked earlier in the day, and he called on the way. He kept talking about wanting to kiss me. Once again, a little much sight unseen. I chalked it up to inexperience again. I got to the bar first...told him where I was sitting and that I was wearing a green dress. And nothing. He was five minutes out. Five minutes later, nothing. Then 10 minutes. Nothing. I looked at my phone and he had called, but I didn't hear it. So I called. No answer. I called again. No answer.

Okay. The mind reels at this point. Did he see me and run the other direction? Did I miss him coming in? Did he get the wrong place? And back to did he see me and flee? Finally he called back. He said that he went in the bar and I wasn't there. I described where I was sitting and he said there was no one there. At this point I do not believe anything he says. He said he asked the bartender if there was a girl in a green dress and she said there wasn't. I could not have missed all that. So I don't believe him.

By this time I am back home, and he says, "Well, you will just have to meet me at my kids' baseball practice and we can make out there."

Seriously. He said that. And baseball was 45 minutes from my house. And I don't know this guy. And I don't trust him at all. Not going to happen. I still can't figure out how the bar thing went wrong. He asks me to send a pic of the green dress so that I prove I was there. I did.

"You are beautiful," he said. Yeah right.

"I don't know what to say to that," I said.

"Say forever," he responded.

Yeah right. He's either got a flare for the dramatic, or he is waaaaay too much too fast.

And then he continued to try to talk me into meeting him. Nope.

He wanted to try for Sunday. I said we'll see.

Friday night I was at dinner with a few friends and I got a text from him. "How's the date going:?"

"What?'

"Yeah right," he says.

That was beyond it for me. I told him I had plans. He assumed it was a date. Frankly, if it was a date (it wasn't) I was entitled. I had never met this guy. Holy Cow!

I decided that was that. He texted the next day, and I said I didn't think I wanted to meet. He was not happy, but I didn't hear from him the rest of the weekend. Several days later, I got a text. He "accidentally" wrote to me thinking it was his brother. Okay. Then he launched into this: One minute we were talking about forever, and the next you were breaking my heart.

I tried to explain that I was never talking about forever. And then:

"You are either all in or you are all out," he said. "Which is it?"

"All out." This came as a surprise to him. Almost nothing surprises me anymore...but this guy did.

##

The "Cheating" Guy

2011-04-27T12:36:00.000-07:00

Category 1: Those who are not ready to date
Category 2: Those who fail to embrace their own reality.

Divorce is hard. It is hard to decide to do. It is hard to face. It is hard to tell your friends you are doing it. There are feelings of embarrassment that you couldn't make it work. There is fear of what people will think. Will they think it was me? Will they suspect things that happened or even worse, things that didn't happen? It is not fun. Ever. But when it happens, like it or not, you've just got to man up and face the facts.

This guy seemed normal...

He was divorced, educated, nice, former military, had a couple of kids. On the phone, he seemed very normal (very, because there are degrees of normal. You would think normal is an absolute, wouldn't you...but it's not!). He had some humor, spoke and had interesting stories.

We met at Starbucks for coffee during my lunch hour. As an aside, this is a great first date. There is a predetermined time limit. It is a public place and no financial investment. And most are small enough that every seat is near the exit. Even better, if you eat outside, all you have to do is get in your car. Perfect!

Back to Cheating Guy. He beat me there and had a table. He said, "If you don't mind, I'd like to sit facing the window. I ...I ah...have some PTSD. You know, from the military. I have to be able to see people coming and going."

Ok. I understand a thing or two about PTSD. And I wouldn't think as much about that with a military guy. But first thing out of his mouth? That is a "let's ease into it" conversation. So, a little too much information right off the bat, but I'm not too worried about it.

Once he started talking....

BIG RED FLAG AFTER BIG RED FLAG

This guy was not ready to man up.

"My wife and I, I mean my ex-wife..."

"I really hate that I don't get to see my kids that much." He had them half the time.

"You are my first date since the divorce." Seriously? No kidding. So not ready.

Now, I am not knocking any of his sentiments. We have all been there. It is hard for some people to change terminology from wife to ex-wife or husband to ex-husband. Me....not so much. But I can see a transitional period. It is very difficult to have time where your kids are away from you. I have mine 26 days a month and it still was an adjustment. And we all have to start somewhere. There will have to be a first date after the divorce.

When you say something like what follows, however, you are not ready for the first date after the divorce. Here it is. Brace yourself:

"Sitting here with you having coffee, I feel like I am cheating on my wife." I wanted to get up and leave right there and say, "Dude, you are prematurely dating." But I didn't. I tried to be kind and understand his feelings.

Do I really need to say more? I don't think he had failed to embrace his own reality. I think he was denying his own reality. And if you have been through the whole process of the divorce and you are still saying things like that, you are NOT READY TO DATE.

Shockingly, I never heard from him again. Can you believe it?

The Woe is Me Guy

2011-04-24T11:10:00.000-07:00

Of all of the categories of dates or profiles I have come upon, the most horrible, awful, sad, frustrating and annoying one is the "Woe is Me" guy. This attitude has oddly been a running theme in my life. Oddly because I don't think I am a woe-is-me type girl...or if I am my self-awareness is lower than I thought. I have, however, attracted two woe-is-me type guys. One I dated for four years, the other I was married to for 10. I am big on self-awareness, so I'm sure that says something about me...a blog for another day.

With these types, I find that you end up spending every ounce of energy trying to make these people feel better about themselves....better about who they are, what they do, how they act...better about how you feel about them, how much you want them. It's exhausting. And if you don't fulfill this need, then somehow it is your fault that they are woe-is-me. So, finding happiness and joy with someone who is hell-bent on feeling sorry for himself is a no-win situation.

Helpful Hints AKA BIG RED FLAGS

If you find you are with someone who has said any, and I mean any, of the following, run Forrest, run:

Well, I am leaving you a voicemail, so either you are busy or avoiding my calls. [This one is designed to make you feel guilt whether you have done something wrong or not. Run.]

Your actions speak that you are not as into me as I am to you. I don't have time or room for that in my life. [Run. You will probably never be able to feed that kind of need.]

I just don't think I am good enough for you (or, in the reverse, you are too good for me...). [This one is designed to elicit a speech from you touting the enormous...and it better be enormous... list of stellar attributes that you love about him/her. And then you must spend time convincing that it is, in fact, true. Run. You will be making lists until the end of time.]

I think you like so-and-so better than you like me. [The best answer to this is a simple, "yes." Less work than running and definitely less work than the convincing game this manipulator is trying to make you play.]

You never respond to my texts, I guess you aren't thinking about me during your day. [Run like hell. You will never convince this person that you might actually be BUSY even though you might be busy and thinking of him/her and just can't take time to tell him/her. You know, working, taking care of kids This is called the case of the self-absorbed.]

I have a brief yet shining example of a woe-is-me guy whose profile is below. This guy has a graduate degree and is nice-looking. It is astounding that he thinks that whining and lamenting is a way to attract a woman. Maybe he just needs a forum to whine. There has to be a better place to do that than match.com. At any rate, he winked at me, and I read it and hit delete. I have learned my lesson about the poor me syndrome. It's a real downer.

LostSoul

Nice guy who always finishes last! Tired of treating women like gold and having them walk all over me! Ready to have someone treat me like I treat them. Tired of meeting the "damaged" ones! Maybe one day I will meet the right one but I doubt it!

He should add the line: Sigh. Woe is me.

Or maybe it works better implied.

##

Things I Don't Get

2011-04-24T08:06:00.000-07:00

I have been back in the dating pool for about five years now. After all of this time filled with (mostly) blog worthy dates there are things I understand and things I don't. There are people who have shown a little kindness and people who have shocked the heck out of me. There are people who have been paralyzed by their past experiences (I hope I am not one of those) and people who date with such rapid fire that I don't think they know what they want or how to get it.

Let's start with something that I get. I get that at my age, most potential dates have been through some things in life. I don't know anyone who has managed to escape some kind of pain. Most have been through divorce. And I think that from divorce (anything painful, really) comes fear.  Fear enters the equation in several ways. You fear being hurt. You fear being alone. Most of all you fear that you will not see things clearly. You doubt the ability to trust yourself to see who people really are, and you distrust your ability to make the hard choices when you do see them clearly. For myself, I have a lot of fear. I know that no divorce is easy...there is no such thing as a "good" divorce. In my experience, I found out that during the whole of my marriage, I did not know the truth even for a moment. So I have fear about seeing things clearly, knowing who someone is, and trying not to question everything in my own mind. I get fear.

That leads me to something I don't get. I don't get why people, men and women, stay in situations when they do see things clearly and they know it is wrong. This happens on a shockingly regular basis.  It is true for men and for women. I have seen friends who are consistently treated badly, manipulated, used, criticized, and on and on. My lack of understanding comes when they realize they are being treated this way, and for some reason, which is completely foreign to me, keep beating their heads against the wall of sanity.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day who lamented the fact that he was still attracted to someone who was clearly bad for him. She used him to fill the gaps when she was alone, she wanted him around when she wanted him. He wondered why he was still attracted to her. "She's a nutjob," he said. "I shouldn't be attracted to her."

It is hard to be alone. I get that. But it is not okay to be with someone who treats you badly (just plain jerks), makes you feel less (insecure), wants you only when it's convenient for them (power-trip/manipulator) or strings you and five other suckers along (control freak/attention seeker). I have been on the receiving end of most of these types people through the years, but only until I see the game. I am the queen of the quick exit when I see any of these BIG RED FLAGS. They are there for a reason, and we should use them!

I have said many times that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with the wrong person.

Next, I get anger. Let me tell you, when you find out that a third of your life was a lie, it will definitely tick you off. There may even be a period of hating everyone of the opposite sex on principle. I think I managed to avoid this one because I feel pretty sure there aren't many as extreme as that one. If I'm wrong, well, the world is a sad, sad, place.  My anger was there, just very specifically aimed. I know a lot of people who have spewed anger at a general gender. I am sure a period of anger is probably even healthy. As long as it is LIMITED.

I don't get it when people are still in the angry phase and think they are ready to date. If an angry person is dating online, it is nearly impossible to hide the anger in what they have to say on their profiles. There is usually a very specific list of things they do not want; liars, cheaters, druggies. Those are obvious. Sometimes the criteria are more subtly coded. It comes disguised in a "what I want" sentence, but really it's a "what I don't want" sentence. I want an "independent" woman means I don't want someone who is after my money. I want someone who is "active" means no overweight people need apply.  There may also be a list of things they hate. I hate drama, I hate I have psychos. I hate whiners. The thing I want to say to these men (I am sure women do it, too. I just haven't read women's profiles.) is this: THESE THINGS GO WITHOUT SAYING!! No one likes these things. And by listing them you are telling the world exactly what has happened to you in your last relationship(s). Ultimately, it makes you look like a whiner and someone who isn't over your last relationship. This is not the way to attract people to you.

I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with the wrong person.

I also get that there are times when you don't know exactly what you want or don't want, and so you want to date around. I think this is pretty healthy. I think sometimes we get an idea in our heads of what we want and that may limit who we would meet.   I have seen many people end up dating someone who wasn't the idea of their "type." I think getting stuck on a type could potentially lock out someone great that you never would have noticed.

The thing I don't get is when you want to date around and you don't make that clear to your dates. It is only fair to let people know where you stand. When you know your date is more interested in you than you are, it is not fair not to let them know where you are in your dating mind. I have also been on the receiving end of this. Usually people are fine with the truth, even if feelings get a bit hurt. The truth always hurts less than making someone wonder or allowing them to believe something that isn't true. And if someone is in a different place from you, do them the courtesy of allowing them to decide based on what really is, not what you have let them think it is.

After all I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with the wrong person.

I get wanting to find someone. Most people don't want to be alone, and are searching to find "the one." I have certainly been on more dates than I thought I would ever go on.

I don't get the whole too much, too fast syndrome. I have experienced many of these types. The ones who get attached when you have never met. Sometimes it's almost all by text, others calls and texts.   They started talking immediately about the future and making plans. One guy kept saying "I'm all in." The fact that I wouldn't say that after two phone conversations really annoyed him. As one friend likes to tell me, I know you are great, but a total stranger doesn't know you well enough to know that.

They fall into two of the blog categories: I love you but I 've never met you and I just want to get married and you will do. Either of these ideas makes you feel kind of ick. After having a large part of my life turn out to be a lie, I take some time to get to know someone. I have to. And I sometimes even say to these kinds of men, "I could be a nut, you have no idea after five minutes." And who wants to be the the "you will do" kind of girlfriend? Don't you want to be liked for who you actually are on the inside?

Again, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with the wrong person.

Now don't misunderstand, I would rather not be alone. I have a good life, good kids and a good job. I would still like someone to share it with, but I have been through enough pain, and I will not do that again. I certainly don't expect perfection, I just want, you know the little things, honor, character, humor, love. Easy peasy, right? Someone recently asked me what the key to my parents' 42-year marriage was. The answer came immediately. They put each other first. Easy peasy.

##

Fetish Guy, AKA Panty Hose Guy

2011-04-21T12:05:00.000-07:00

Category 1:   Just plain weird.
Category 2:   I love you, but I've never met you.
Category 3:   Those who are so busy telling you how great they are that they don't notice how great you are.
Category 4:   Too much, too fast.

I still have trouble with this one, and I have had at least a couple of years to process it. I think that in general, a guy who has to tell you how great he is probably isn't. It's kind of like people who tell you how Christian they are. Actions speak louder, right?

Fetish Guy was from Ohio, if I remember correctly. This was one of those learning experiences. I learned that if someone lives that far away, no thanks. I learned that if someone has to toot his own horn, it's probably because no one else is tooting it. I learned that if someone sets expectations on you before you've even met, run far, far away.

BIG RED FLAG
The first phone call consisted of his long dissertation on what a great date he can plan. He flew one girl to Disney World (she had no kids by the way, he just loved theme parks). He would fly you, wine you and dine you. Even at this earlier stage of my dating experience, I thought this guy had a "too much too fast" issue. I really don't want to meet someone for the first time when he has paid for a flight, a hotel room, and a theme park visit. That is waaaaaay too much pressure and his lofty expectations feel validated by his extravagant spending.

He also wanted details on my divorce. That is not a first conversation conversation. I gave him a very fluffy, benign, no-details kind of story. He wasn't totally satisfied, but too bad. I hate it when people pressure you to talk about personal things. That is an evolution, not an expectation.

BIG RED FLAG
At that point he launched in to questions. Do you like to call and text? I like to know the person I'm with is thinking of me, he said. I like little notes and texts throughout the day, he said. Okay, I thought. That's fine. Who doesn't like to be thought of, right?

A little more conversation, nothing too unusual. And then...

BIG RED FLAG

Do you wear pantyhose?

What?

Do you wear pantyhose. I love women who wear pantyhose.

Uh, well, I live in Florida, and it's, you know, 100 degrees half the time, so not really.

Would you if I wanted you to? Wouldn't you do that for someone who cared about you?

I don't even own a pair, and I detest it. (And I'm thinking, you don't know me well enough to care about me.)

But wouldn't you want to make your man happy?

Now let me interject here. "Your man?" This is still the first conversation. "Your man?" Seriously.

He went on.

Wouldn't you do something for your man even if you didn't really like it...just to make him happy?

Well, yes, but why would you ask me to do that if you knew I hated it? And I would never ask someone to do something they hated.

Because you have to be willing to give in a relationship...

On and on he went. And once again, I ask, "a relationship?" Too much too fast.

The next week he started to call on a pretty regular basis and send little texts throughout the day. I'm not sure what he did for a living, but he drove a lot during the day and would call between stops. I answered when I could, but I spend a good bit of the day on the phone at work and many times I couldn't. He would leave little messages...just thinking about you, etc. It was easier to respond to his texts, but even those got to be so frequent that I didn't always answer each one. As the week passed, he started to get annoyed when I didn't answer immediately. He left messages that became more and more snide.

Guess you are busy, call me back.

Too busy for me?

What are you doing?

Miss me?

I guess you can't make time for me in your busy day.

Again, seriously?

Finally, after a little more than a week, I sent him a text after one of his many texts that day and I said the following:

I really think this is a little bit too much. We are not in a relationship, and I think you are expecting too much too fast.  I don't think this is going to work out.

His response:

Well, no wonder you husband left you.

And that was that. no wonder he was single.

##

The Angry Guy

2011-03-10T07:15:00.000-08:00

Category: Those Who Are Not Ready to Date

People are funny. They take the time and make the effort (and it is an effort, I tell you.) to sit down and write an online profile, find pictures and then weed through the emails and profiles.  You try to be witty and funny, come off as smart and articulate, find your best pictures. The idea is to attract someone to whom you would be attracted. You try to present yourself as someone people would want to be around. You want someone to see your profile and think, "Gee, that girl/guy would be a fun date!" or "I would like to meet her/him!" Or maybe that's just me. Maybe I am missing the point.

Here's the thing. I have found many, many profiles from men who are obviously not trying to attract anyone. And if they think they are, well, then, they also fall into the category of "those who fail to embrace their own reality." By the way, I have never looked at women's profiles, but I am absolutely positive that this goes both ways. I merely use the men as examples because that is what I have seen. The problem with these men is that they are not over those who have done them wrong and done them wrong bad! They feel the need to vent, spew, regurgitate all of the past women's grevious errors to anyone who will listen, and what better way than to do it in a profile designed to be viewed by women?    I mean, it's like a gift...to have a website that allows you to tell women how ticked off you are at their mere existence and explain that "it's not me...it's all you women who are messed up."

The thing I find amusing is that I don't even think these men know they are doing this. I don't think they realize that they are making themselves completely unattractive to potential dates. Who wants to go out with someone who has this list of faults that you must avoid or become one of "those" women? I had a guy calling and texting once who was just weird.  I told him and didn't think we were a match. I didn't criticize or list his faults. I just said we weren't a match. And do you know what he said to me? "No wonder your husband left you."  I never met him, and I didn't really take it personally, but it is still not easy to hear something like that. I didn't blame him, but he was going to blame me for sure. He, by the way, will be the next exciting entry! Fetish Guy.

I digress. The point is, that people who write profiles like these and especially the ones who don't even realize they are doing it are just not ready to be out there dating.    No one wants someone who is angry. No one wants someone who doesn't like the opposite sex at the moment. No one wants the pressure of having to be perfect to avoid your previous issues. Obviously, we are all single (well, except the people who lie, but that's not what this entry is about) or we wouldn't be using a dating site. Chances are, most people have had one or several bad experiences with relationships. And none of us wants a liar, cheater, drama-filled nut case. Believe it or not, this goes WITHOUT saying!  So I have some advice:

1. If you are still angry at your last (or any) significant other, do not write an online dating profile.
2. If you are still angry at your last (or any) significant other, do not ask your friends to set you up.
3. If you are still angry at your last (or any) significant other do not date at all.
4. If you think you are past it, and you do get online and find yourself listing all of the things that you do not want, then turn the computer off immediately.
5. If you think you are past it and find yourself online to date and write a nice profile, but are thinking of all the things you don't want with someone in your past in mind...try again later.
6. If you think you are past it, have some degree of opitmism that there are decent people in the world, then give it a go.

The following is the profile of the guy who is not ready to date that prompted this entry. I will choose not to mention his glaring grammatical errors. I know he has some anger issues and probably can't deal with that right now.

Quite Lying About Wanting a Nice Guy:

In fact most women on here need to just remove every statement about wanting to find someone respectable... someone faithful... someone who is nice... someone who will treat them well.... totally from there profile... because most every woman on here who says that is truly lying....

I have made an attempt to talk to more than one lady on here.... and i am respectable... and i don't talk rude to anyone.... but it is rare for anyone to respond to my letters..... and the ones who respond... talk for once or twice... then go back to the drama they say they dont want...

Why are women so afraid to actually give someone a chance who is worth anything.... why do women only go for someone who will never treat them right.... is drama so much a part of there lives that they cant live without it???

if drama is all you want.... im not what you are looking for....

someone who cheats on you???? thats not me...

someone who will take advantage of you.... again... not me...

someone who will treat you like crap.... find someone else.... im not that way...

I have a job and work hard at it.... I pay my bills... so i guess since im not going to be living off of you... im not good enough...

Family is important to me.... in fact i take care of my mother... so if this is unappealing to you.... find someone else who hates his family....

I know i look good.... and i take care of myself.... so if you want a slob who looks like crap every day.... move on....

I just got a great set of wheels that i am proud of.... so if you want to ride around in a junker.... again... move on....

I am an intelligent free thinking person.... who can carry on a great conversation... so if you want a brain dead moron.... theres plenty of them out there....

Im active... i enjoy going out and doing things.... Skydiving... Cave exploration... traveling... so if you want a lazy piece of crap.... your looking in the wrong place....

I know how to listen.... on top of good conversations.... and if i am with someone... there opinion truly matters to me.... so if you want someone who would rather shut you up... plenty of abusive bad boys out there..... get over it... you will never change them or "save" them...

And why have people tried to hook me up with people who are fat and lazy????? Im in shape.... im healthy... im active.... if your not going to be able to keep up.... then your not the person for me.... im not going to stop being active because you are out of shape... Its not my fault that you cant keep up....

and why should i even want to be with someone who is way above my weight class????? I dont care if you have a "great" personality..... if thats all your bringing to the table... your a few cards short.....

im offering the great personality... good looks.... active life.... faithfulness... Romance... respect.... and true happiness....

If you cant offer the same.... how would i ever be happy??? i would be nothing but your slave then....

----------------------------------------------------------------

This is a true to life poem i wrote.... that proves how women cry about what they want.... and only settle for everything they complain about....

You dream of someone who is a gentleman.

You settle for someone who is a total caveman.

You dream of someone who will listen.

You settle for someone who never hears anything you say.

You dream of someone who truly cares about your dreams.

You settle for someone who who always puts you last.

You dream of someone who will fill your life with passion.

You settle for someone who only breaks your heart.

You dream of someone who gladly makes you happy.

You settle for someone who laughs at you when you are sad.

You dream of someone who will comfort you when are scared.

You settle for someone who thinks you never deserve comfort.

You dream of someone who will help you with the housework.

You settle for someone who only yells when you are not working like his slave.

You dream of someone who will gladly give you his time.

You settle for someone who is around you when he feels you might deserve his time.

You dream of someone who shares his whole heart with you.

You settle for someone who does not have emotions.

You dream of someone who will trust you when you are apart from him.

You settle for someone who constantly accuses you of cheating.

You dream of someone who will defend you with his life.

You settle for someone who always starts fights with everyone who just looks at you.

If you have children.

You dream of someone who will accept your children and care for them as his own.

You settle for someone who thinks your kids are nothing more than a burden.

First DateI dont care if you think im an a$$... no one cared when i was nothing but respectable.... guess its time for me to be truly blunt....

if you cant handle the truth.... you need to just climb back into the drama ditch where you crawled out of.... im looking for true happiness....

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I will have no problem coming up with a good first date. Even if it is simple. It will be memorable.

For a date can be as simple as a walk in a park. To exciting as jumping out of an airplane.

There is nothing "normal" of what i can create.

##

I am Speechless

2011-02-08T11:59:00.000-08:00

Category: Those who think their profiles are witty and cute but really they are not.

Sometimes I come across a profile that simply must be shared. This is one of those. I am at a loss, really, as to how this one thinks he will get a date with all of his little "updates." We all know I have a thing about spelling and grammar, and this profile isn't quite up to par on that. But I really dislike it when people use text lingo in a profile. I guess with a username like "trickyazzz" there is no where to go but down.

I think my favorite line might just be, "that thing has a shelf life & im going to use it." You really and truly can't make this up. Please enjoy trickyazz in all of his glory.

UPDATE HERE WE GO AGAIN !!! if i have to add onemore update ,i think i give up !!! this is getting old ,if u cant give common respect & act like a adult .whats wrong with ppl wont show some resepect & reply --just say im not interested??? -ever heard of 10 fold ??? -treat others the way u want tobe treated ??? so when someone does it to u 10 times ,dont ask urself why ,its cus its same crap u done to someone else !!! go figure -ok sorry but if ur an idiot or bipolar or stuck on urself or dont reply back --then leave me alone !!!!

THINK I NEED TO MAKE A LIST WITH ALL THESE RUDE AZZ PPL ON IT , POST IT & LET OTHERS ADD TO IT !

put on ur seat belt ,,it could be a wild ride!!

lookin for my best friend, "one" good ole country girl, with some up top, curves are fine with me! thicker women welcome!! i understand life & we all change sooner or later, if u judge me before u know me, dont even talk to me, i dont need or want friends like that. im pretty laid back ,im blunt & open, say what you mean & mean what you say!! love music that has meaning, mostly rock like (shinedown,seether,tool,fuel,staind ,nickelback) love country food ,im a goof mostly, im high on life, love to laugh, but know when tobe serious. im happy go lucky , dont need anyone trying change my roll. i know what i want in life & have goals, i love racing (i drive dirt track late model car), 4 wheeling, active, anything fun, watch dvd, going to river with my english bulldogs, spending time with kids, they deserve to have good fresh start on life when they get older, always been family man, love kids, im self employed for 20 years ,love my job & its flexible, not into the party scene, i like to go out to clubs play pool,foosball, drink very little, no drugs, dont mind if someone else does. i dont like mean or rude people. likes sex (freak in the bed) ,that thing has a shelf life & im going to use it! hehe! i never judge book by its cover. i got my own money, home, truck. i dont use people, i got my own, dont like fighting, fussing, drama. people can shine if no one is holding them back or controlling them, cant never could do nothing, not into playing games,,theres not much trust, truth, or respect for others now days . i can live with anyone, but i want the one i cant live with out!!! if you have been treated bad in your past by others -i didnt do it! your past is old history -leave it in the past & look forward to the future! why be unhappy one more day! get over it! so if ya wanna chat, look me up, drop me a line ,apply within!

LOOKING for someone who is :: giving, simple things, wants tobe happy in life & has goals would be a plus. not controlling, that knows what family values & morals mean.. knows what agree to disagree means & never go to bed mad !! someone who can speak there opinin without being mad ,if i disagree!! someone funny, kind hearted, caring, respectful to others, good conversation ,COMMUNICATION is everything, someone who wants tobe treated right & knows how to return it!! a one sided deal will not work, it takes two on the same page to work thru life together, gotta start somewhere & see where it goes..but leave your past drama & history at the door!! if this is you, im game!!

UPDATE! (freak in the bed) MEANS THERES MANY OTHER OPTIONS THAN THE SAME OLE SAME OLE -GOTTA KEEP IT EXCITING ,OR LIFE GETS BORING ! CHANGE IT UP SOME, YOU MIGHT LIKE IT !

UPDATE! HERE WE GO! THIS MIGHT NOT BE GOOD -BUT IM GOIN TO SAY IT ANYWAY -I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST DIFFERENT SIZE OR COLOR WOMEN -THERES SOMEONE OUT THERE FOR EVERYBODY , MAYBE IM PICKY ,BUT I DO KNOW WHAT IM ATRACTED TOO ~ I LIKE THICK OR CHUNKY CURVY WOMEN WITH BRAINS, WITH BOOBS -SORRY THATS JUST WHAT I LIKE -I DIDNT WANT TO PUT IT OUT HERE LIKE THIS -BUT IT SEEMS SOME PPL CANT READ OR DONT READ OR DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT THICK OR CHUNKY OR WITH BOOBS OR WITH BRAINS MEANS -SO GO ASK A FRIEND WHAT THEY THINK YOU ARE IF YOU DONT KNOW !!! -IM NOT TRYING TOBE A SMARTAZZZ HERE OR RUDE ,MEAN OR DEGRADE ANYBODY - BUT DAMMN WHERE DO THESE PEOPLE COME FROM, IF YOU CANT READ ,GO SLAP YO MAMA... HEHE! IM JUST SAYING WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT & WE HAVE THE RIGHT & A CHOICE OF WHAT WE LIKE ,AS WE ALL DO -BUT IF YOU GOIN TO HIDE THINGS -YOUR NOT READY TO EVEN MEET SOMEONE ! WE (WELL NOT SURE ABOUT EVERYBODY ELSE ,BUT SPEAKING FOR MYSELF.) IM HERE TRYING TO GET TO KNOW SOME NEW FRIENDS & GO FROM THERE !!! IF YOU CANT BE HONEST & SHOW SOME RESPECT ,KEEPING STEPIN !!! CUS I DONT EVEN WANT TO CHAT WITH SOMEONE HIDING THINGS -ALL I HEAR MOST TIME -IS IM TRYING OR WORKING ON LOSING MORE WEIGHT ! GUESS WHAT -I DONT CARE - I LIKE BIGGER WOMEN 160 TO 300 DEPENDS ON BUTT,BOOBS,HEIGHT & HEALTH -I LIKE BIG BOOBS & CURVES -LIKE A WOMAN THAT EATS & IS HAPPY , DAMMN THE BOITCHING -IM A HAPPY GO LUCKY ,FUN PERSON ,& IM GOING TO STAY THAT WAY - IF YOU DONT FIT OR I DONT FIT WHAT WE BOTH WANT ,LET THE OTHER PERSON KNOW -I KNOW YOU TALK TO SOME PPL & WONDER WHY THEY SO DAMMN RUDE -I DO -BUT GUESS WHAT IM NOT HERE TO CHANGE YOU -IM HERE TO MEET SOMEONE THATS ON SAME PAGE -RESPECT & COMMINCATION IS MY BIGGEST THINGS -BE OPEN -BE YOURSELF -WHY PUT ON A FRONT -YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE -BUT IF I DO HAPPEN TO MEET YOU ,GUESS WHAT ITS NICE WHEN YOUR THE SAME PERSON OR LOOKS THE SAME AS IN PICTURES WHEN YOU MEET - PPL SEEM TO LIE ALOT !GO FIGURE !SO HAVE FEW DECENT PICTURES OF YOURSELF ~ WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT ,IN SHAPES, SIZES, COLORS,THOUGHTS,OPINIONS,SEX & TASTE ~ LIFE IS GOOD, LIFE IS FUN ,LIVE FREE, SMILE & BE HAPPY ~~OTHERS MIGHT NOTICE~~ MY MOTO IS: IF ITS NOT FUN ,IM NOT DOIN IT !

UPDATE! STOP WASTING MY TIME ! IF YOU NOT INTERESTED, SAY SO ,IF U DONT HAVE TIME SAY SO -LAST TIME I LOOKED ,THIS IS A ADULT SITE -WHICH MEANS SHOW SOME RESPECT TO OTHERS .. ~ JUST BE NICE & SAY IM NOT INTERESTED AT THIS TIME ~ SAY WHAT U MEAN & MEAN WHAT U SAY GEEZ! IF YOU WANT TO PLAY A GAME ,IM NOT INTERESTED ! -IF SOMEONE ASK YOU SOMETHING & YOU DONT REPLY ,THAT MEANS YOUR HIDING SOMETHING -I MEAN IF IM GOIN TO CHAT WITH YOU ,I WANNA KNOW IF IM INTERESTED IN WHAT I SEE -WHY WASTE BOTH PPLS TIME BEATING AROUND THE BUSH !!! YOU CAN ASK ME ANYTHING ,IM OPEN & ONLY WANT TO CHAT WITH OPEN PPL ~PRETTY SIMPLE HUH~ ..COMMINCATION IS EVERYTHING -WHY ADD DRAMA ,SHOW SOME RESPECT WE ARE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL ! -SEEMS ALOT ON HERE JUST PLAYING GAMES & WASTING SOMEONE ELSE TIME - MY TIME IS VALVABLE TO ME, BE STRAIGHT UP, NO DRAMA, NO GAMES & NO BULLsh*t! IM HERE TO HAVE FUN , I WILL NOT TALK TO YOU IF YOUR BEATING AROUND THE BUSH ! IF YOUR MAMA DIDNT RAISE YOU NO BETTER THAN THAT ,GO SLAP HER AZZ! HEHE--WE AS KIDS & ALL KIDS DESERVE YOUR TIME AS MOMS & DADS -WHERE YOU THINK ALL THESE NO RESPECT IDIOTS COME FROM? CUS MOMS & DADS AINT TAKIN THE TIME TO TEACH THERE OWN CHILDREN RESPECT! HOPE I DIDNT PISS NOBODY OFF !

TOO FUNNY -I CANT BELIEVE I JUST WROTE ALL THAT --YUP IM GOOF -THX FOR READING!

Bubble Bath and a Glass of Wine?

2011-01-18T21:18:00.000-08:00

I have to disagree with the author of the profile below. He says it's not about bubble bath and a glass of wine anymore. It's about "email and how much I make."

No, little dude, it's not about that either. It is about self-awareness. It's about knowing who you are and what you want and knowing who has enough in common with you to make something special (or just tolerate your quirks).

I have learned over the years, that you have to be somewhat specific in your profile to identify what you want, and to some degree, what you don't. I really can't stand it when people list the things that they can't stand in a profile. For example, no one I know wants liars, cheaters, drama queens, baggage (however get to be 40 without any, I dare you). These lists can make you sound like you are not over the last person who embodied these traits and can truly go without saying. I did finally add a line to my profile about my obsession with grammar. And, well, there is a part that says "if you have ever uttered the words 'it don't,' then I am not the girl for you." Living around here, it just needed to be said. I cringe at the sound of those words, so really, I am saving people some trouble admitting it outright.

So here it is:

Hello im (name removed for his own protection) ,im an old fashioned kuntry man that still believes in true love and romance.

im an ex chef of 17 yrs,i love outdoor activities,all types of music except gangster rap,mostly into country music,i am spontanious and a pleaser but not a smotherin,controllin ass kisser...lol.i preferr a career woman with a mind of her own...i dont mind raisin kids but dnt need anymore girlfriends to raise...lol.

im a movie buff n enjoy a quiet night at home with a nice meal n a fire goin n snuggle up wh a good movie.im laid back and easy goin but not nieve.still a lil gun shy but i dnt believe in judging others from my past experiences,my heart has been broken ,can you fix it? p.s. im not in prison so i dnt need a pen pal,and dnt do 1 niterzz,"ONLY SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY NEED APPLY" ...lol!!!! Have you seen some of this stuff on here???? im not lookn for busty california girls,or hot single moms lookn for older single dads,or foriegn exchange students lookn to get legal...lmao...wow wht a trip..what happened to chivelry,n a lil romance.instead of a glass of wine and a bubble bath,now its all about e mail and how much i make...

First Date

I would like to wow you with my culinary skills with a nice meal and a fire and snuggle on the couch with good conversation and a movie....p.s.my fav movie is (the notebook). n "hell no" i aint gay...lol.

He sent me an email letting me know he liked my essay and asking if I were interested in a "good hearted kuntry man." Very sweet.

The Ultimate Run-on AKA the Funniest Thing Ever!

2010-12-03T09:18:00.000-08:00

I received the following email today:

I came across your profile and although we might not be a match I thought you might want a laugh

so if you have a minute please read my profile and add criticism wherever it may need some
I do appreciate your opinion and comments
thanks (name withheld for his own protection)
P.S. I do think you pretty hot also

And yes, the lack of punctuation, among other things, is an indication of things to come...please enjoy his profile. I just had to share. Enjoy:

large teddy bare, tattooed ex biker that doesn't ride anymore and that's only cause I don't have a bike right now I am disabled! it's a legs thing so you know I'm on SSI so I don't make a lot of money but that shouldn't be important in a relationship but I do all right I don't play games ever!!! And I hate drama so I wont give you any I know I look like I'm mean as hell but just the opposite is true I'm a pushover to the right people I'm a lover not a fighter[had enough of that crap in my life] love the beach, new places, home were ever that may be and some kids not the hyper or obnoxious ones just the good ones JUST KIDDING I do have a scene of hummer I likes intimate relationship I will let you know you are appreciate you and I will do anything I can for you I'd like to meet someone special a little mouthy is OK and if you don't mind an older dude I'd love to have you to fill that void in my life if you would like to live in the Pensacola area or I can be talked in to moving but I love the beach! No drama no bipolar BS or wild ass chicks!! what a minute strike the wild ass chick thing there OK to just want to live and love like life should be OK back to me!!!! WORNING I DO HAVE A MOUTH ON ME AND I UES IT! I cook, clean, I can separate whites from colored close and actually get them washed, folded and put away I can fix just about anything, I know I will never win a fight with a woman, as in there's no point if we need to fight we don't need each other Ha here's a bad joke! if a woman bitches and a man isn't around to hear it does that make her still wrong??? OK I warned you it was bad OK I know the toilet seat goes down for some strange reason I haven't figured out yet, And I'm house broken!!! I don't need to be told a thousand times to get off my ass and do something for you! once will do just fine I will do it, I love kids but not cartoons unless it's family guy or something along that lines huge fan of syfi I would say my friends don't come over and BBQ, get drunk and make a mess but I think we both know that wouldn't be true so I wont push my luck I will promise to do the best I can to make you happy, feel loved and appreciated and I know it takes two to take care of a house and that mean a 50/50 deal!!!!!

Now how can you pass that up?

Wanna Shoot My Gun Guy

2010-12-01T08:02:00.000-08:00

This poor fellow. He seemed normal...in a sweet and childish sort of way. We met for coffee at Starbucks during my lunch hour from work. Lunch hour dates, by the way, are a good idea if you are meeting someone you don't know... for obvious reasons. It is limited by time. You have a built-in excuse to leave if it's a disaster. And you can get along with anyone for an hour, right?

Anyway, he was right on time. Check. Looked like his picture. Check. Was nice and polite. Check. On the right track so far? Sure.

He started telling me how he used his new GPS to get to Starbucks. He lived in Milton, a "suburb" of Pensacola. Not that far and basically a part of Pensacola, so needing a GPS to get Pensacola proper is slightly hilarious. When he found out I didn't have one, he started talking about getting me one for Christmas. This was sweet. He was very sweet, but this was incredibly premature considering Christmas was 3 months away.

The more he talked the more I realized that he was, in fact, sweet, but very simple. He asked me what a word that I used meant. I wish I could think of the word, but I can't. I thought that was a bit funny, but when he started to tell me how when he read a book, he had to keep a dictionary at hand, I thought, "uh-oh." I guess he wasn't a big fan of discerning meaning from context? I'm not sure I would admit that on a first date, but who knows?

The interesting thing was that he had a degree and was working on his masters. He said it took him a long time to do it, but he was determined. I think his determination is admirable. Most people do not pursue things that are difficult. So he had character.

So, short sweet coffee date, went fine, but probably not for me. The next day he called and wanted to plan a date for the weekend.

"You could come to my house. Wanna shoot my gun? We could shoot cans off the porch rail."

Ok. The mind reels. First, there is no going to someone's house that you don't know. We all know about "The Criminal," right? Second, if any other man had asked me if I wanted to "shoot his gun," my mind probably would have taken it as inuendo. We all know about "Big Frank," right? And finally, really? Really? He invited me for a gun date? There are no words.

Someone said I should be careful because he may toss me in the river with the cement blocks holding up his car. It does create quite a mental picture, doesn't it?

Mr. Smooth AKA The Guyzillian

2010-11-01T10:51:00.000-07:00

Category: Those who were never ready to date.

There is very little that puts me over the edge into the, "I give up" mentality. This one may have just pushed me into an extended dating break. I had one date with Mr. Smooth. We had spoken on the phone a couple of times and we texted for a couple of days. We met at a wine bar for a couple of hours. The date was fine, the conversation okay. There was no real connection. I had no real desire to see him again and I was pretty sure he wasn't interested in seeing me again.

And this is a total aside, but he had no lips. It was distacting. No lips to the point where I sat there thinking, how does someone have no lips whatsoever?

Another aside, we were talking about politics and he used the words, "Barack Hussein Obama." That was really the end for me.   I can't stand it when people feel compelled to insert the middle name. There is an implication there that I can't tolerate.

At the end of the date, he said, "bye." I said , "bye."  There were no plans made, no, "I'll call you," or "let's do this again." Fine by me. Not a bad date, just blah. I didn't hear from him for two days. I didn't even notice.  Normally after a decent date, I tend to think, "Huh, that guy never called. I wonder why." Little chip at the self-esteem. This time, didn't even notice.

Two days later, I got a text. I am going to type it verbatim.

Mr. Smooth:     Hey.

Me:     Hey

Mr. Smooth:      Whatcha doin

Me:     Just finished a movie

Mr. Smooth:     Ahhhh, I just got in from sailing

Mr. Smooth:     The tenderness has finally gone away lol

[At this point I don't know what he is talkling about, but I went along with it thinking maybe I forgot something he had told me.]

Me:     That's good!

Mr. Smooth:     Completely functional now :)

Me: What a relief.

[Now I am thinking, he's not really going there, is he? Can't be?]

Mr. Smooth:     I know! I was worried.

Me:     :)

Mr. Smooth:     Well, in theory

Me:    Theory?

Mr. Smooth:     You could borrow it, but you probably have toys so wouldn't need it.

[Uh-oh. He really isn't going there? Please don't!]

Mr. Smooth:     Ummmm my smooth c!@# and balls lol, thanks for making me say it

[Crap, at this point I remember that that week he had gone to the spa. He told me he was going to get a "guyzillian wax." I thought he was joking. Apparently not.]

Me:     What?

Mr. Smooth:     Huh?

Me:     I am confused. Are you sure you meant to write to me?

[I thought maybe he had an inappropriate conversation going with someone else and maybe he didn't know he was writing to me.]

Mr. Smooth:     lol yes. Blame it on the full moon.

Me:   Are you drunk?

Mr. Smooth:     A tad

Mr. Smooth:     But more horny than drunk:)

Me:     Ok. This is a big leap from 600 South (first date wine bar)

Mr. Smooth: Wanna leap?

Me:     Maybe you should sleep it off.

Mr. Smooth:     I've only had two

Me:     You said you were a lightweight :)

Mr. Smooth:     Haha, I am

Me:     Do you normally have a glass of wine with someone and then take a leap?

Mr. Smooth: What's your favorite position?

Me:     Seriously. Too much.   I don't know you at all.

Mr. Smooth:    I'm trying to get to know you. And no I don't, it's been a while.

Mr. Smooth:     How long has it been for you? I just figured we liked each other.

Me:     I don't talk sex with someone I've met once.

Mr. Smooth:     Twice?

Me:     No thanks, bye.

Mr. Smooth: Bye

Enough said.

The Guy Who Thinks He Likes Women, But Really He Doesn't

2010-10-20T19:12:00.000-07:00

Category 1: Those who are not ready to date.
Category 2: Those who should just keep their own company.

The good news about my never-ending email inbox, is that I never delete anything. In going through older emails to find a good blog topic, I came across this guy from an online dating site. He seems to talk a lot about his life lessons, tries to sound evolved. But if you read between the lines, he has some issues. One of my biggest pet peeves in a profile is one in which a man lists all of the things he doesn't want or doesn't like or wishes he hasn't experienced. This kind of list screams, "I AM NOT READY TO DATE!" Surely he is not over whatever happened in his last relationship. He is recently divorced or broken up or he has a stellar grudge-holding fortitude.

BIG RED FLAGS

I saved this profile because it exemplifies the kind of profile I am talking about. This guy writes a little better than the average guy who literally makes a list of things he hates. This guy weaves it into a paragraph that describes his evolution of lessons in life, but really it is a more subtle slamming of women...or maybe a particular woman, who knows? And he ends with a bang giving a "toast" to the "nice guys." The funny thing about this toast is that his profile is not meant to be read by men. It is meant to attract women to date. So underneath his vitriol, he is using this tool to write about his supreme dislike of women.

I knew that I couldn't effectively relate the details. So here it is verbatim:

I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a 'life..' I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn!

I am not from here and do not suffer the attitude of those that are. I grew up in Southern California where you treat people with respect.

I spend every moment I can with my children, They are very important to me and they will always come first. You must understand that this is the way it is, and should always be. I would hope that you feel the same way about yours.

I workout at the gym three days a week, more if I can.

I have a great job that I love. I really enjoy the people that I work with and for.

I love to dance, looking for someone who does as well, or is at least willing to take swing or ballroom dancing classes with me. I can fake it really well; however i believe it is beautiful and very sexy to dance with the one you love and to show off.

Everything I have I own. Except my apartment, it is adequate for my needs at the moment.

I am very outgoing and always open to new things. I enjoy the outdoors and would prefer to be at the park with my dog or fishing with my kids.

I am very shy when it comes to meeting people especially if I am attracted to them.

I enjoy being proud of the woman I am with and there is nothing sexier than being able to say, "Ya she is with me".

THE NICE GUY!

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and ****ing about what ***holes guys are [remember, he is trying to pick up women], while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girls every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style. This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they're at her door [seriously???], for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male

##

Back to me. So a few thoughts. The guy had a rough break up, he had a difficult relationship with his parents, he needs a second chance, he was a taker not a giver, he used to be a pain, he doesn't like people from Pensacola (that already makes someone like me, from Pensacola, feel defensive...well, if you invest in the random profile). And this is just from the first paragraph.

Now we get to the "toast." He thinks women in general are whining bitchy things who complain and don't know they want. His ex was apparently a big shopper who used him as a personal clothing rack. She was incredibly insecure and therefore, apparently all women need a "litany of support." See what a giver he is? And he protects his drunk chicks. What a guy!

I would like to give this poor fellow some advice. Please wait until you are over your misery. Until you are, you will not attract anyone. Everyone just out of a relationship thinks he/she is ready to date, and believe me, it is a rare occurrence when that is true. You have to learn to discern that one person does not a generalization make. Until you are past gross generalization, you are not ready to date. If women are such hard work and such a big drain on all of your patience and moral support, you are better off keeping you own company for a while. When you begin to feel hopeful and optimistic, try, try again!

The Toothless Guys (yes, that is plural)

2010-10-08T11:19:00.000-07:00

The Toothless Guys (yes, that is plural)

Category 1: Those Who Are Not Ready to Date
Category 2: Those Who Fail To Embrace Their Own Reality
Category 3: Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

I still have a hard time getting over the fact that I have an entry entitled, The Toothless Guys. I could have called it, The Parade of Toothless Men. As dating goes, good teeth have always been big with me, but the presence of all teeth was not something I thought I needed to articulate as a requirement. I was wrong.

There were at least three or four dates with gaping holes.  It is a funny thing that happens when you realize a date is missing teeth. There is the precise moment when he forgets and smiles too big or in some cases just opens his mouth to speak.  A shiver goes through your whole body...and not the good kind of shiver.  Once you see it, you know the flash of panic probably has shown on your face, and you hold you breath hoping he didn't notice you notice the absence of his choppers. The rest of the date is spent trying not to look and the empty space that seems to shout at you from his mouth. Try as you might, you can't stop looking. Torture, I tell you.

Two toothless dates stand out in my mind.

The First

He was one of my very first online dates ever. He was tall, oddly so at 6'6. We went to the Melting Pot, fun and different. I never eat there. He was sweet. I found out later he still lived with his mother. Sweet or weird, another topic for another day. He met me out in front of the restaurant and I guess because of the enormity of him, I couldn't see well enough at first to notice the mouth. We got to the table, and he had flowers waiting for me. Now this was sweet, maybe a little much for a first date, but still. I have never dated anyone that was a flower giver...I think the ex-husband gave them maybe twice in 11 years.  Nice so far.

We sit down and he is very shy and nervous. He opened his mouth to speak. I have no idea what he said because THE MOMENT had arrived. Half of the top tooth in the very front was missing. It was not like part of it had cracked off across. It was missing lengthwise.  Oh no! And I can't stop looking. It is actually kind of mesmerizing because I can't get my mind out of this loop thinking, Why? How? Why? How?

The Second

This guy was an engineer. We met for lunch and were standing in line to place our orders. He was nice, looked like his picture, and then WHAMO! There it was. He smiled too much and there was the hole. At least his was further back, but he was missing his first molar on the bottom on one side. As we stood there, all I could think was, "Buddy, we should just save your money and go." I thought that would be mean, so I stayed. The good news was that we had nothing in common. He was only able to talk about surfing and cycling. Since I have little to no experience with either of these things, conversation was strained. He also had a quirk of not being able to look at me while he was talking. That was odd. I kept thinking he either had social issues, or he couldn't stand the sight of me. I decided to go with the social issues line of thinking.

I have to say, that both of these guys had jobs. Decent jobs. I feel pretty safe in thinking that is was not a financial limitation that kept them from fixing the offending spaces. This means that good teeth are not a priority in their lives. Deal breaker. And if either had an appointment to fix it, the first thing out of their mouths should have been that they know teeth are missing and they are on the way to the dentist, or better yet, postpone the date. There's an idea!

I really haven't come up with a BIG RED FLAG for these guys. The only trick is that in their online dating photos, they are not smiling. I guess that counts.

Category 1:

In my mind, the toothless are not ready to date. This is a priority issue and it should be a priority to have all of your teeth. Until you reach this epiphany in life, don't date.

Category: 2

This is pretty obvious, don't you think? If you fail to recognize that toothlessness is not a way to woo a woman, you are not embracing you own reality.

Category 3:

Not smiling or keeping your mouth closed in a profile photo in order to hide gaping holes constitutes a lie in my book! Fix those choppers and smile for the camera!

BFD

2010-10-06T13:23:00.000-07:00

Category: Those Who Fail to Embrace Their Own Reality

BFD, poor guy. He seemed normal. Nice profile, decent picture. The picture was only a head shot, though.

Big Red Flag. (right off the bat and I totally missed it)

I am not the kind of girl that has to have a physically perfect guy. In fact, I would rather a guy be a little bigger than smaller. I also have known so many people, men and women, who become more and more attractive as you get to know them. And sometimes, the more you know someone, the less attractive they become. The outside can fade or change, but it is what is inside that matters. I really believe that.

BFD and I talked on the phone a couple of times. He seemed nice and normal. He was employed, had a house he was renovating, was close to his family. These are all good things. He did say, "I am kind of chubby." I said, "Who cares, everyone goes up and down." And I meant that. We set a date and agreed to meet at a restaurant at the beach.

I got there first. As I was walking in from the parking lot, I saw him in his car looking for a parking spot. I waved and walked to the door to wait. I spotted him from the color of his shirt way down the lot. He was walking toward me. As he came into focus, I thought, well, he is kind of chubby. He came closer. I thought, oh, well, he is quite chubby. As he came up the steps, I thought, ok, 400 pounds is more than a little chubby. He looked like someone had squeezed his legs and the body inflated like a big ball. He had also said he was over 6 feet tall. I think at one point he may have been. But the curvature of his spine caused by the weight of his body rendered him well below the 6 foot mark.

At this point I felt a bit shallow. My internal dialogue was working overtime and I decided to give the guy a chance. He could be perfectly nice and smart and funny.

So as I said hello and introduced him to the army of friends that I bumped into while beginning the two-hour wait to eat, I made conversation. Luckily, he decided we should go somewhere downtown to avoid the wait. He decided I should just ride over the bridge with him so we don't have to take two cars. This little tidbit becomes important later.

We went to a popular place downtown where there was no wait. Again, I saluted the second wave of friends I see there. We sat to eat. Once seated across from him, I looked up and noticed that his skin was gray. Really, really gray. It was kind of pasty and made him look unhealthy. This was not good.

We talked about the usual first date things. What you like to do for fun, places you go, etc. He told me he played tennis and loved the beach like me. Huh. Really? Mental pictures abound.

Then he mentioned that he had been married once and engaged twice since then.

BIG RED FLAG

I understand that things happen. I am certainly not the one to judge failed relationships. But engaged twice and not married? Does he jump into the engagement too quickly? Is he making poor choices in women? Does he just want to get married and doesn't care to whom? Burning questions.

The date was ok. Conversation was ok. I didn't laugh once. This was a disappointment. I need someone funny, and I have this theory that humor is related to intelligence. I like me some wit. And I kept going back in my mind to the tennis/beach comments. They just didn't ring true. Plus, I kept thinking that I have three boys. I need someone who can keep up. We swim, we hike, we play outside, we bike. I can't have some gray guy lagging behind.

It was about 10 pm by the end of dinner. He drove me back to my car at the beach. He kept asking me to take a walk on the beach. As a general rule, I do not walk on the beach at night with strange men on a first date. That is just asking for trouble. Besides, his health was a serious concern to me. It told him it was late and I had to go relieve the babysitter. He pulls into the parking lot next to my car. Before I could make a gentle exit, he leaned over to get my hair out of my face.

Oh crap, he had a move!

Then before I knew it, he leaned in and kissed me. I had tried to have an open mind, but clearly, I was not attracted to him. I did not see that coming. As quickly and gracefully I could, I said thank you for the date, my kids are waiting, and drive carefully. (See, I told you the riding in one car was significant).

As I walked in the door at home he called. I was paying the sitter and didn't answer. He asked me to let him know I made it home. I appreciated that. I think that is a sweet thing when guys do that. I texted him back to say I did and thanks for the date. He wrote back, "That was a great date. That was a great kiss. We need to do that again soon."

Ugh!

The next day, I sent him an email. I said, "Thank you so much for the date, but I don't think we are a good fit."

He wrote back, "That's really too bad. I thought we had a future."

Ahhhh! This explained the serial engagements. A future after one date. Really? When I am on a first date I am just trying to decide if there should be a second date.

At some point I decided to look again at his online profile again. The online site give options for you to list your body type. The options are: slender, about average, athletic and toned, curvy, need to shed a few and heavy set. BFD chose about average. A fatal error in embracing his own reality. How in the world did he come to that conclusion. Does he live with giants? Is his whole family morbidly obese, so this is normal in his world? I can't imagine.

As these things were reeling in my mind, I called my sister. I was feeling really bad for my thoughts. She made me feel tons better. She said that to get to the point where you are that big and that gray, you have to reach an extreme behavior. She related it to anorexia. That is an extreme problem related as much to mental as physical and she said he had to have an extreme part of his personality to get to that point. Phew! I felt better. She is right.

BFD was a little weird after my last email. He continued to write to me about once a week. I never wrote back because I didn't really have anything to add. I had told him my thoughts and that was it. I have also learned through the stalker guy and the ex-husband that the best thing to do with extreme people is not to engage. It just makes it harder to disengage. He wrote for about 2 months, texted and called. It began to feel a little creepy. My sister was very, very right about the extreme thing.

During the two months of post the-end, in my mind writing, my friend Laura called and said, "BFD tried to friend me on Facebook!"

"Who?" I didn't know who in the world she was talking about.

"BFD! Your big fat date!"

Sheesh!

And then my friend Tara called and said, "BFD tried to contact me on a dating site, and I have a picture of you and me on my profile!"

Let me just say, guys do not contact girls you are friends with on dating sites. I am pretty sure this is not normal. I was to the point of getting worried. But alas, he finally got the hint and stopped....or did he?

Married Guy Update

2010-10-06T11:53:00.000-07:00

I never thought I would say this, but I have a married guy update. One would think that after my particular dating history I would be hard to surprise, yet I find that I am surprised every time something weird or bad happens. And good things really throw me for a loop.

I think the married guy was at least a year ago maybe two (see previous blog post). Remember, I never talked to the guy, met him, nothing. Then I had the very unusual email conversation with the wife who caught him on the dating site. Today, I got an email from Married Guy asking me to "share" on Yahoo. I don't use my Yahoo account, so I am not sure what that means. I think now is a good time to delete that email address!

I guess the wife's "plan" to catch him on the dating site failed if she is even still with him. I have to admit, this has sparked some curiosity in me about what her plan was and if she followed through with it. I am not curious enough, however, to "share" with the guy. My guess would be that she is still with him. After all, he had cheated before and rather than leave him she decided she would make a "plan" to catch him in the act. The other scenario could be that the wife has sent the sharing invitation to see if he is still in communication with me. I wouldn't put that past her since she seems to be a plan hatcher. The third option is that he sent out a mass invitation to this share thing and was too stupid to delete my address when wifey caught him.

Regardless of the scenario, I am annoyed. If he is still at it - cyber-cheating, then leave me out of it. Gross, yuk, spit. If it is the wife, she is certifiable. If he sent some mass invite, then have the decency and respect for the wife and for me to have deleted me when you were found out the last time.

After all the yukiness of dating I have experienced in the last few years, I have never been a "man-hater." I have not gotten bitter or cynical or jaded. And believe me, at times this has taken effort. I believe there are good and decent people out there. I think I even know a few. But men like Married Guy make that effort harder. So dude, grab some morality and be on your way!

My Blog: Scare Tactic or Screening Tool

2010-09-29T15:46:00.000-07:00

Many people who know about this blog have suggested that I use a pen name. Most of them also think I should never tell anyone (especially single men) about it. I have mixed feelings about these suggestions.

As for the pen name, I pretty much think if I have had to endure dates like these, I should get credit for it. After all, I don't know any one of my single girlfriends who has been asked to "put out" in order to get a second date. I don't think anyone has ever cried on a first date with any of my friends. These are stories worth telling, and I am, after all , the one telling them! Now that I think about it, the bigger question may be what kind of magnetic draw I have that attracts such unique men...but that's another blog post...

So far I have not been rude to any of these dates. And I have yet to tell one off...not even Sweeten the Deal Guy. I have tried to get out of the situations as graciously and as painlessly as possible. I have not used real names, nor have I given identifying information, so I think I'm good.

My sister thinks I should never, ever tell a guy, especially a date about the blog. She thinks I will never have another date and if I do, he will run scared if told my little secret. I really have had to mull over what I think about telling single guys about my blog, and I keep coming back to one thought: Any guy intimidated by the blog must relate to one or more of the stories, and therefore could potentially weed himself out of the mix. I mean, really, if a date doesn't think these stories are as crazy and off the wall as I do, there may be a problem. See? It is a screening tool.

On the other hand, if I tell people who don't know me, it could foster a sense of insecurity. They may not know that I would never write about someone who is my friend. I would never write about someone who is nice and normal that just didn't work out. If you have read the stories, you can see that the stories are stories you truly can't make up. But still, could be a scare tactic.

I have come to the conclusion that a pen name is not necessary. It's not like I am a household name. But I do think the decision to tell men must be made judiciously. So I think screening tool AND scare tactic.

Cry Baby, Cry

2010-09-03T08:36:00.000-07:00

Category 1: This one has me stumped, but I think it is "People who think they are sensitive, but really they are just dumbasses."

Category 2: Those who are too insecure to date.

So, he seemed normal. He wrote to me online, asked for my number fairly quickly and started texting.

And he texted a lot.

Big Red Flag

I think it is better to start to talk or text sooner than later. Some men get stuck in email communication forever and nothing ever moves along. I just don't see the point. I don't need 15 pen pals. I just want one good date! Asking a lot, I know. But there is also the too much too fast syndrome.

So Cry Baby texted. And he texted. And he texted. I would get, "Good Morning!" First thing every morning. And then:

How are you?
Are you busy at work?
Sorry for the long pause, I had a busy spell.
Are you busy?
Have a nice lunch!
How was lunch?
Busy this afternoon?
Are you off work yet?

Now, I guess he was thinking this was fun and he was attentive. I was thinking, ok, thanks for the interest but sheesh, I have work to do. Don't get me wrong. I like to text and talk and have someone attentive. I think it just bothers me when it is inane conversation...or maybe it is just when it is with the wrong person. Yep, I think that's it, wrong person.

So lunch. At the Ale House. Good first date, I think. Casual, quick and easy. It started off fine. He looked like his photo. Good! He was polite. Yea! Sat down and ordered a bucket of beer. Woohoo! Off to a decent start.

Don't get too excited, though, because after all, he made the blog, and well, you saw the title.

After about 5 minutes of small talk, the tide turned.

"Your nails are very beautiful," he said.

Weird, but ok. Never had a guy compliment my nails. Maybe he's gay and doesn't know it, but wait! He is a Republican. That can't be it. And see? I was trying not to lock myself in by my politics and be open minded.

"Speaking of that (the nails)I have something to tell you," he says.

Oh crap! It is a segue.

"I have an injury."

Big Red Flag

The mind reeled. The possibilities for the coming explanation are limitless and all rolled through my mind at remarkable speed. Head injury? Boy parts injury? Nothing visible to my eye...and it is preceded by the speaking of the nails, comment. I am mystified.

"This is really hard for me to tell you. It is difficult for me to talk about," he added. "But I feel like it is something I should tell you."

He went on the explain that he was on a pontoon boat a few months ago and got his finger caught in something on the boat. Part of the finger was ripped off. When I asked which one, he quickly flashed his pinky finger at me and hid it away. I would never have noticed a thing if he hadn't pointed it out. He was barely missing anything. The last knuckle may have been gone, but the finger was still pretty normal looking.

Maybe now I should say, the finger seemed normal...

He went on with the following:

"It really set me back for a while, but then I decided I would overcome. I can still throw a ball. I can still grip a cup. I was depressed for a while, but I'm better now."

After the above little explanation, he started to say something else, but was rendered unable to speak due to the fact that he was choked up. He began wiping the tears from his eyes with his napkin. Tried to speak again, wiped more tears instead.

Seriously? I have heard of men crying in their beer, but good grief...it should at least be over a football game! How is one supposed to react to this little episode. All I could think was, "Get a bigger problem, dude!"

So I launched into this little, "It's okay, we all have our crosses to bear" speech. "It's fine, not a big deal." Really. REALLY. NOT A BIG DEAL.

I am sure that his accident hurt and that it was very traumatic at the time, but are you kidding me? Crying on a first date? Ugh! And why the urgent need to tell me this information? Was it an attention getting thing? Was he playing a sympathy card? Needy?

I continued to "relate" using my youngest son's seizure disorder as an example of a man (he is 7, by the way) having to overcome an obstacle. I told a brief version of his diagnosis (seizing on the hour every hour for 2 weeks) and our success getting it controlled (thank God) and how brave he was for testing and needles and EEGs. I described how he lives a normal life even in the face of adversity. Hint, hint.

Sadly, my little cry baby didn't not understand what I was trying to say to him...a pinky finger is NOT A BIG DEAL!!!!!

After we ate and I was pulling out of the parking lot to turn left, he pulled out turning right. I was on the phone. I smile and waved. Never thought about it again.

About 5 hours later. Cry Baby called.

"I saw when you were in the car on the phone that you had a big laugh," he said.

Big, Enormous, Glaring Red Flag

"Yes."

"Well, I was wondering what you were laughing at."

Are you kidding? I was actually proud of him for waiting so many hours. It must have been killing him.

I had called my mother back and was talking about my son and something funny he had said. She didn't even know I was on the date.

"Ok," he said. "I just thought maybe you were nice to my face, and then you were laughing behind my back."

My head hurts.

I am not the most secure person when it comes to men and dating, but I know waaaaay better than to ever say something like that. One date. Two hours. Lunch. You don't get to ask me what I was talking about on the phone in the car. Sorry. It's a rule.

The next day he texted. First one was during church. Second one was during a parent meeting. Third one was while I was at a movie with a friend. The third one said, "Did I do something wrong? Are you ignoring me?

After the third one, I answered.

"No, not ignoring you, just busy. And I wanted to say thank you so much for the nice date, but I don't think we are a good fit. Good luck."

His response? "Why do you say that? Be honest."

Followed by:

"I deleted my online profile last night. I don't like it. It just doesn't feel right."

Not just a cry baby, but a whiner, too.

I did not respond.

The Married Guy

2010-08-15T17:41:00.000-07:00

The Married Guy

Category #1: Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire
Category #2: Those Who are Not Ready to Date (obvious, right?)
Category #3: Those Who Fail to Embrace Their Own Reality

The Married Guy. That pretty much says it all doesn’t it? For once I am not starting the story with,” well, he seemed normal.” This experience was brief and a little nauseating for me. He was on a dating site. He wrote a message, but had no picture posted. I had a firm policy that if you had no picture posted, I didn’t respond. This policy is a necessary one because I have become cynical enough (but apparently not cynical ENOUGH) to want to know with whom I am speaking. When you have enough bad dates, you start to wonder if it is someone you have been out with before or someone you know.

In this case, I broke the rule [Big Mistake]. I wrote back because his profile seemed interesting. He was interested in the arts, educated, things I like. So I wrote back and asked for a picture. In the process, I gave him my email address because he didn’t know how to attached a photo to the dating-site email [Big Red Flag] and he didn’t want to post one to his profile [Big Red Flag #2].

When I received his pictures, he was a little shorter, a lot older and a little more frog-like than I had hoped (he had no neck and this, in turn, made him appear Kermit-ish). I was fairly certain he lied about his age. And to me, any lie is too big of a lie, especially in the getting-to-to-know-you phase of dating.

I had already decided to get off of the dating site for a while. I have discovered that I can only take it for so long before I need a break! So after a very few emails, I took my profile down and that was the end of that…or not!

Soon after my last email with Married Guy, I received an email from someone I didn’t know, and it was signed with both the husband’s and wife’s names. It took a moment to process, because, really, who expects this to happen? Therein lies the part of me that is still not cynical ENOUGH. Or maybe you could call me gullible, who knows? I knew after my moment exactly who it was from and why it was sent. Sickness in the pit of the stomach set in and not out of guilt. How would I know he was Married Guy, after all? It was more to do with the fact that married men do this kind of thing. I know that they do, as my experience with marriage was not replete with faithfullness, but still, I don’t expect this behavior…gullible?

At any rate, I found the undeleted emails in my inbox…how lucky that I never deleted! So I am going to print them verbatim because, really, you can’t make this shit up!

The First Email from “The Couple”

Hello, I hope that I have the correct e-mail address. Your name, e-mail address was given to my husband as a piano instructor. I was wondering if you teach piano lessons in the Panama City, Fl area? If so, do you have any openings for our daughter who is 10 yrs old. She began with her first piano lessons last year with [name deleted to protect the innocent]. However, she, presently has no openings. My daughter shows great interest in learning to play the piano and would love to continue to take lessons. Please let me know if you are a piano teacher ( I hope that I have the right e-mail address) and if so, if you have any availability for my daughter & myself to meet with you for her to possibly take piano lessons from you.
Thank you so much and we look forward to hearing from you.
[Signed Wife and Husband]

[Now how do you respond to this? I knew exactly what had happened, but I really did’t want to be involved. She is very cagey in this email because she makes it clear that she is married to him, that he has lied and she knows it, that they have a daughter and that she expects a response. This is a suspicious woman!]

My Response

Hi there,

I am sorry. I don't teach piano. I don't even play piano. Good luck in your search.

[Maybe that will be the end, right? Wrong. And I knew it.]

Response from The Wife

Thank you so much Elizabeth for answering my email so quickly. I was wondering if you know my husband [name changed to protect the guilty]? I found a piece of paper with your email address on it with another name [name changed to protect the innocent…or is she guilty, who knows?] . He told me that someone had given it to him because he was trying to find a piano teacher for our daughter. I didnt believe him & that's his own fault! I'm so sorry to bother you if I have done so. As you can see I don't trust my husband, rightfully so because he has cheated on me in the past with a 24 yr old woman who was in Annex Jail & a druggie! Do you know my husband? He is nearly 54 yrs old, light blonde/brown hair nearly bald, blue eyes & wears glasses. He is retired, works out @ Gold's Gym on 23rd St in Panama City, Fl. He plays Bluegrass Music, guitar, banjo & cello.

We have a home for sale in Lynn Haven, Fl. If you would like I can send you a photo of him. Please let me know how you know him. As I don't Trust him with legitimate reasons! I sincerely Thank you for your time, & help in my uncomfortable situation. I am Truly Sorry to bother you.

Sincerely, [the wife]

[At this point her sentence structure and random use of capital letters is getting on my nerves. And really? You have to ask if you are bothering me? No, really, this is so much fun….and before I could think of how to respond to this one, she sent a picture of the two of them for confirmation that it was, in fact, him. It was him alright! And she was wearing the tiniest little top with the biggest fake boobs I have ever seen.]

Hi [the wife],

I am very sorry to read your last email. I also saw the picture. I was on an online dating site. Your husband wrote to me and sent a photo. We wrote a couple of times, but I decided to stop online dating, and didn't write him back after that. I never spoke to him on the phone and never met him. I do not live in Panama City. He had wanted to meet for dinner or to play tennis.

I am sorry you are going through this. I am a single mother, just trying to date a little. It is disappointing to know that there are married men on these sites.

[At this point I just hope it ends here, but no, she is a persistent little sucker.]

The Wife

Dear Elizabeth, Do you know if he is still on that website? If so, I have a plan on how I'm going to catch him & put an end to all of his Deceit! Please let me know when you Last received an email from him. Please if you can, forward me a copy of the photo that he sent to you. I Promise you that he will Never Know that you ever sent it to me! Thank you so much Elizabeth. Sincerely, [the wife]

[I sent her the pictures he sent me.]

The Wife

The pretty little girl next to him with the tux on is my Daughter on Our Wedding Day! The cute little girl in the boat is My Daughter, not his biological child. His daughter nearly 15 yrs old is in the 3rd photo down in a booth next to him! The New Escalade that he is leaning against is my car. The skirt that he is holding up is from when we were @ a Bluegrass Festival in LiveOak, Fl, in March/April 09.

He is Not 45 yrs old like he has listed! He is 10 Yrs Older! Nearly 54 Yrs Old! He hasnt been Self Employed since 2000! He's retired & is trying to get his Insurance License back & needs to find I job!

What a Deceitful Man I'm Married to!
Thank you so much Elizabeth for your
Kindness & Honesty towards me...
When did you Last have Contact with
Him, my husband? It is So Important!

That was enough. I wrote her and told her I was at work and really needed to get back to it. She wrote one more time to tell me that she had found his profile on the dating site and had hatched a plan to catch him. I can only imagine what happened. Once she began to discuss the idea of a “plan to catch him,” I lost a little respect. She had already caught him. She had enough information, but she fell into the trap of the drama. She had to get him back. It was mortifying to have the entire conversation, but I really do feel sorry for her. She had already been through his betrayal, and instead of being strong enough to just leave or even to confront him, she put herself through this convaluded game of cat and mouse.

SNIPPET – Another Married Guy…maybe!

I have decided to interject snippets of stories that have the same theme as an entry. Sometimes I don’t even get to the date before you realize something is not “normal.” I had a guy who wrote to me, made plans and talked about how excited he was to meet me. He was going to call during a break at work and after work, we were going to dinner and a movie. I never got a call during the break, and he never called after work. I decided to email and just see if something had come up, and his entire profile was deleted from the dating site. So, I am thinking he was found out by a wife or girlfriend…what do you think? Heehee!

The Criminal

2010-07-22T18:19:00.000-07:00

Category: The Great Omission:

The Criminal. This is the guy that you know must be out there, but you really don't believe he will happen to you. This guy is the reason you meet blind dates in a public place and have your friends prepared to call you with an "emergency." The problem is, he flies under the radar until after the first (or second or third) date, so that you really don't know he has a dark side unless you luck into this shady information.

The Criminal was one of my early dates in the foray back to singledom. He seemed normal. He was my age, from Pensacola (like me), educated and a business and home owner. Interestingly, he was also running for City Council. This appealed to me because I thought it showed a sense of social responsibility and a desire to get involved in the community. Yea him!

He emailed only a few times online and made a quick date. I told my sisters all about my big date as usual. My sisters generally get the inside scoop about my dating life such as it is. Maybe I should start feeling sorry for them...hmmm, I'll think about that later.

So we met at Bonefish Grill. Good place for a date, I thought, close to my house, well populated. The date went well. We had good conversation, he told me all about his time living in Atlanta and working as a cop. He looked close enough to his picture. I am pretty sure he was a good bit younger in the pic...still, close enough.

After we had a drink or two, he said, "You want to go watch a movie at my house?"

I realize now what a line this is and how many men actually use it. Believe me, I am a lot more aware and suspicious now.

Anyway, idiot that I am, I said, "Sure." So, we went by the convenience store to grab beer. He sent me in with money because the lady behind the counter just can't stand him. He had no idea why.

BIG RED FLAG

We got to his house. It was a nice, normal house. He had campaign stuff everywhere, and let me read it. We got a beer, turned on the TV and of course, he tried to make a move. Okay, lesson learned about the man-code about movie-watching. Just in the nick of time, my phone rang! It was my sister. I didn't answer, and she called back immediately...3 times. This actually gave me a good excuse to answer without seeming rude. There must be something going on, right?

Hello?

You need to get in the car right now and call me when you do.

What?

You need to get in the car right now and call me when you do.

What? What are you talking about?

Just do it!

So, I made an excuse about it being a work night and getting the kids off to school the next day. It was 10 or 10:30 at night, so it seemed reasonable, I think.

When I called Kathryn on my way home, I got an earful. In her infinite desire to research and her curiosity about this guy's political platform, she had Googled my date. Apparently Mr. City Council wannabe had been arrested in Atlanta where he worked as a jailer, not a cop.

BIG FAT LIE

He had been arrested for shooting two boys through the plate glass of a convenience store. He thought they were armed, but it was a toy gun. He was convicted on a lesser count than he was originally charged with, but convicted nonetheless.

My poor sister took a lot of flack for her little online investigation. My dad was especially vocal in telling her to just let it go. He was sure it wasn't that big of a thing and she should let me figure out my own dates. I think the word "busy-body" may have even been used.

I had a friend in the police department who ran a background check the next day. He also had arrests for beating 3 former girlfriends, the most recent, a live-in girlfriend six months before my date. He was attending anger management classes and was not allowed in any establishment that served alcohol.

So it was all clear now...the reason for the quick date at Bonefish, the sending me in the convenience store for beer and the desire to drink said beer at his house, out of the public eye.

Later that evening, he called. I didn't answer, needing time to decide how to handle this wacko situation. Ten minutes later he called again, and ten minutes after that, again. The first message he left was normal. Each message after that got more and more agitated and angry. He was ticked that I didn't answer. Now as far as he knew, we had a decent date the day before and I could have been busy doing anything.

TRUE COLORS

I decided to avoid the situation altogether since he was already volatile. I sent him an email telling him that I had been seeing someone else casually, and we decided to make it exclusive.

MY BIG FAT LIE (justified? I think so!)

So, now we say to my sister....Google, Kathryn, Google!

Why My Dad Makes Dating Harder

2010-06-19T14:20:00.000-07:00

Why My Dad Makes Dating Harder

My dad is a big man...and I don't mean big physically. I mean he is a man with a presence. He walks into a room and not only do people pay attention, they listen. I don't think I always realized this effect he has on people.

Growing up, he was the dad who danced down the hallway in his boxers. He was the dad who came to the ball games and the ballet recitals. He used to let all five of us kids take turns having Saturday morning breakfast with him at his office and playing in his secretary's desk while he worked. When I was in high school, we had a dinner/dance at church, and he was about 4th in a Conga line of guys from my youth group dancing the Grapevine from the California Raisin commercial. I remember all of those things vividly. He was the fun, funny dad that showed up.

One of the favorite family stories is when he had strung an electric fence around the horse field. He is not mechanically inclined and just didn't believe it was going to work. He hopped on his horse, rode to the end of the field and proceeded to touch the wire. Well, it worked, and we looked up to see him marching back to the barn carrying one rein and seeing red, furious that he was thrown from the horse. Common sense is not his strong suit.

These are the fun and silly memories of a young girl.

What I have learned as I have gotten older, is that he is a great man. As I look back on experiences in my life, things that seemed mundane at the time are more significant in seeing who he is as a whole. I appreciated the time he went to Tate High School to talk to the dean who didn't think a girl should take calculus because she didn't need it to graduate. He fixed it, of course, in his diplomatic and kind way so that the dean didn't even realized he had been confronted.

I watched him stand up for each of us to teachers, parents, church leaders...anyone who had not treated as fairly or kindly. I remember talks with my sisters' soccer coach, my geometry teacher, my brother's various teachers. He stood up for my brother to a leader of the church who had made some very bad decisions.

These are things a young girl thinks a dad just does.

As you mature and live more life, you realize that these are not things that all dads do.

My dad worked a lot of hours in his law practice. He built a strong and successful practice. As I worked for him off and on throughout my life, I understood the demands of his job. I began to realize the effort it took for him to be at everything we did, to meet every need and to be there when we needed him to stand up for us. Five of us.

He also insisted that each of us do the right thing. When my brother and his friend prank called a cop (really, who has that kind of luck?) he made them go to his house and apologize. He and my mother were there for every bad decision or mistake that we all made. He tried to teach us all to do the things every parent wants their children to do: be honest, be honorable, follow-through, stand up for those who can't stand for themselves, keep your promises.

What I didn't realize as a child was that he was teaching us these things by doing them. I have been able to see him more as a whole person since working with him. He does not do business with those who lie, cheat or steal. He would never take advantage of someone less fortunate than himself. If there is even a question of character or honor in a decision, he will take the high road even when it is a detriment to himself. I have seen him sacrifice time and money to avoid even the mere hint of impropriety.

In being an honorable man, he has built a life filled with people who respect him.

He lived in town, and wore a suit to work everyday. He lived in the country and wore work-boots and flannel shirts. He treated each group of people with equal amounts of respect and kindness. Each group when seeing him in the the other locale was surprised at his appearance. I have never seen him think he is superior.

By living life as he knows he should, he has earned accolades in his career. He has been at Senate hearings to talk about people infected with HIV by blood companies. He has sat on national steering committees. He has earned many legal awards. He has had a local legal award named after him.

The awards and accolades themselves are not what is important or impressive (though they are), but what is impressive is that honor still matters. In trying to date in today's world of excess and entitlement and doing whatever it takes to get ahead, it shows that the nice guy still wins. Doing the right thing still matters.

He is completely devoted to my mother. They have been married almost 41 years. The idea of them not devoted to each other is not even in the realm of possibility. I grew up secure in that , never a doubt. I hope that someday my kids know that kind of stability.

The bad part about having a dad like mine is that the bar is set incredibly high. I eventually learned that the man I married did not have any of the honor that I thought he did. In dating, I have had tons of funny and, well, tragically bad and hilarious dates. I will write about them all. The ones I don't write about are the ones that aren't particularly bad, but they just don't measure up. They have not accomplished anything. I am not necessarily talking about financial success. I am talking about success as a person. They are rude to people. They blur the lines of truth thinking that the little lies don't matter. I think they do.

I don't think that there are many men like my dad. I think people in general have gotten lazy, and take the easy way. Doing the right thing is usually not the easiest thing. Doing the right thing when no one is looking is even harder. But that is the definition of character...doing the right thing when no one is looking. My dad does that. If one day I find someone even half the man my dad is, I will be a lucky girl.

Evolution

2010-06-14T19:50:00.000-07:00

Evolution

When I first started dating and especially online dating, it was exciting. As I mentioned, you are fresh meat on the website. The minute the profile is done, it is like winning the slot machine. Wink after wink and email after email.

In high school and college, I didn't date overly much. By my junior year of high school, I had a steady boyfriend, aka Stalker Guy, that lasted off and on for 4 years. That, however, is another volume of You Can't Make This Shit Up! So, when I had a huge influx of date offers, I thought, hey, this is great! I didn't discriminate too much. If men asked me out and "seemed normal," I went.

Now I have learned a few things about men and the stages of evolution in dating. They fall into a few categories. There are those who are still very sad/mad/resentful about the last relationship ending. These men can't seem to stop talking about what really ticks them off about her. They spend way too much time talking, convincing, arguing about how they were wronged. Why they think this is a productive way to woo a woman is a mystery.

Then there are those who are in denial about some of their major issues. They are the king rationalizers who really don't want to face anything so that they can move on to a healthy relationship. They can lie about anything from their actual relationship status to their education level to their height. It makes one wonder, where is the line in the sand? What is it okay to fudge (lie) about? Are you really having a business lunch with that woman or is it something else? And if someone would lie about something as obvious as his height (Big Frank), then why not lie about the girlfriend he sees on his off days?

Next would be those who just want to get married. They jump in immediately, too much too fast, and you get the feeling that he doesn't really care who he is with as long as it is someone. These guys can be put on speakerphone and never know you went to take a shower. That, I tell you, really makes a girl feel special, especially when when he ends up married within the year after you tell him to take a hike. Point made?

So as the years have gone by, I have learned how to spot these slippery suckers. I don't really do as much small talk. I get more to the point, and if a guy says something odd, I ask about it.

For example, there is a question on the profile about how much you drink: never, socially, moderately, daily. "Daily" is a BIG RED FLAG. I don't even have to explain that. But "never" is also a BIG RED FLAG. Never usually means someone has had a problem. In the beginning, if there was a "never," I would ask about it.

"So, do you have a problem with alcohol?"

If it was a "yes," I got through the date, and that was that. I forgot to mention that one of my criteria is no addictive behaviors or any behavior that requires "-aholic" as a descriptive ending. Besides, I really want to have a glass of wine with dinner sometimes, and I want a guy who can have one with me...or at least pour it for me! After a while, I didn't even respond to anyone who marked "never." Statistically, it was a loss.

Another important question was "how long have you been divorced or separated?" This is important because the recently divorced always think they are ready for something new, and THEY ARE NOT! And you can't convince them that they are. OK, I know, some people move into a new relationship quickly, but that is the exception, not the rule. I have 5 years of dating experience to back this up, so just take my word for it.

To be clear, I do not think these generalizations encompass all men. I know there are good ones out there, or I would cease to persist. However, I am just saying people have issues. You just have to attempt to find the one with the least offensive ones or at least the ones most compatible with your own.

So, here are the categories:

Those Who Fail to Embrace Their Own Reality
Signs You are Not Ready to Date
Signs You were Never Ready to Date
Those Who are Too Busy Telling You How Great They Are to Notice How Great You Are
Those Who Can't Be Alone and You Will Do
Liar, Liar Pants on Fire
The Great Omission

Stay tuned for Criminal Guy who falls under The Great Omission

Sweeten the Deal Guy

2010-06-12T19:38:00.000-07:00

Sweeten the Deal Guy

I decided to start with the most outstanding date to date. This is one I could never, ever have made up. I think the title pretty much says it all. Sweeten the Deal Guy...think about it. Yes, he really said it.

This date was in March 2009 and well, he seemed normal. He was an online date. He winked at me, so I checked out his profile. Marine Corps officer, pilot, law degree, same age as me, 5'7. Now, the FI was 5'7 1/2 standing tall. I am not opposed to less than tall men, but I have enjoyed wearing heels again after 11 years with the same vertically challenged man.

He was a quick mover. Some online peeps like to email for weeks. Others go straight to the phone calls. Still others make a date without ever speaking. You just never know. This guy asked for my number right away and called within an hour. He asked me out for the same night. I had a baseball game for one of the boys, but agreed to meet him after that since it was not my kid weekend.

He wanted to meet at the Wisteria. I had never been to this bar, but I knew it was a dive and he just happened to know that Papa John's delivered there. Classy, right? Actually, I was thinking it could be fun. We would have a low key, pool shooting, beer and pizza date. Could be fun and low pressure.

Oh, by the way, he went by the name "Big Frank."

So, I get to the Wisteria, and Big Frank calls on the way. He is right on time, always a good quality in a date. As he gets out of his car, I can see that he looks exactly like his profile photo. Phew! Relief! As you will later see, this is not always the case. He gets all the way out of the car, and Big Frank was not so big. I am about 5'6 1/2. Big Frank was at least a couple of inches shorter than me! So much for "big," right?

We go in and he orders the Pizza and beer. We sat to talk for a bit. He was nice enough, told me about his family, asked about mine. It is always a good sign when a date asks questions. I have learned that a total lack of interest in others as indicated by a lack of questions is a BIG RED FLAG. The one weirdly premature question was, "Can you still have kids?" What?

"Well, I can as far as I know," I say. He says, "You are still capable?"
"I haven't tried in a while, but I think so."

Ok, I have a few things about that little dialogue. The bigger question should have been, "Do you want more kids?" I have 3 for goodness sake. And the ultimate question would be, "Would you want kids with me?" And this last one should be well into a relationship. These are not first date questions, just in case others of you are lacking in common sense as it seems is Big Frank.

So we eat pizza, shoot pool and drink beer. A decent date, a little off, but decent.

The next day, I had a horrible morning, confrontation with the FI (is it wrong to keep using that acronym?) that left me depleted. I called my friend, Laura, and she invited me to her son's birthday party and offered me wine. After the party, she and I went for a quick drink before she met her boyfriend (who was one of my first online dates a couple of years before...too funny!) for dinner.

While we were having our wine, Big Frank called. Do you want to get together tonight. This was probably 5:00. I really don't enjoy when guys assume you have no other plans, and call at the last minute. Plan ahead, people!

I was tired and really not up for anything, but told him we could meet and have an early night. Laura said to invite him to dinner with them. I did, and he said, "Well, what about after?"

"After?"

"Yeah, after. What are we doing after?"

"Nothing, I am really tired."

"Well, if you want a second date, you are going to have to Sweeten the Deal," said Big Frank.

Long pause......and then....playing dumb because I got it right away, "What do you mean, 'Sweeten the Deal?'"

"Well, I fully expect to take you to dinner, buy you some drinks, and then after, go to your house and spend the night."

Another long pause......

"What are we, teenagers?" Big Frank kept going. "Are we going to have an adult relationship or what?"

Maybe it's just me, but I think that one reason teenage boys break up with teenage girls is because they won't put out...maybe I'm wrong.

Again, I say that I am really tired.

Big Frank added "Well, maybe you need to go home and go straight to bed."

"I think I will," and I hung up.

Since that day, I have had several questions enter my mind as better response than the ones I gave. I am one of those whose comebacks occur to the mind well after the time when they would be useful. One response: Where are you taking me and how much am I worth? Second response: Does this work for you often? Third response: Yes! I will have dinner with you
(and then go spend as much as possible and leave).

At the time, I wanted to cry when those words exited his mouth, but now, I love Big Frank. I mean, who could ever make this shit up? He is my favorite story ever.

The Beginning

2010-06-12T17:35:00.000-07:00

The Beginning

No one ever thinks divorce will happen to them. I never thought divorce would happen to me. I had a friend who was going through one at the same time I was. Her favorite thing to say ad nauseum was, "I didn't get married to get divorced." Really? 'Cause I did. I planned it from the start. You will find I have a sarcastic streak. Can't help it, get used to it. Oh, and by the way, I have a date story related to that sarcasm to follow. After about a thousand times of hearing this precious little phrase, I wanted to knock this girl to kingdom come.

So, there I was, 33 years old, three little kids, and divorced. My three boys were ages 2, 4, and 6 when I asked the FI (code for effing idiot) to leave. They were 3, 5 and 7 by the time the Big D was done. I didn't even consider dating for about a year. Then came boredom. Now believe me, with three boys ages 7 and younger, there is little time for true boredom. You can check the next blog to see proof (coming soon, Heaven is Better Than Florida). But there is this sense of boredom with being alone, or maybe it is just the evolution into readiness to date at all.

How do you even begin to date? I had begun accumulating single (divorced) friends. It is a real phenomenon how that happens. Once you have done the deed, single/divorced friends magically appear. It was either that, or people started dropping like flies into divorce. I had a few friends and we tried going out some. That is a weird and surreal experience. There were men who would ask for a phone number. If they "seemed normal" and I gave it out, most of the time there was never a call. There were the young men. At 33 and beyond, I began to feel like one of the oldest people in the bar or wherever. If a guy younger than 30 hit on me, I wanted to know what bet he was trying to win. It was not flattering or funny.

An aside: "Seems normal" is my new mantra. I start almost every weird, bad or scary date story with, "he seemed normal." It is a running joke at this point, 5 years into dating.

Let me tell you a little bit about Pensacola. I grew up here, and always thought it was a great place to live. I still think it is a great place to live. I have, however, a more defined perspective on dating in Pensacola. For those of you who are not aware of our lovely area, let me give you some examples of monikers linked to our area: The Emerald Coast, The Whitest Beaches in the World, The Emerald City...good so far, right? Going on: Lower Alabama (sorry Alabama, but with your rap, it gives a different perspective), The Redneck Riviera, Home of Gay Pride...

Now the last three evoke some less than stellar images when it comes to dating, and specifically, dating for me. Let's just get the gay pride thing out of the way. I am all for gay pride. The only drawback for me is that we have a fairly high ratio of gay men. This reduces my dating pool. Too bad really, because being a Democrat, I would have a better chance of political alignment with a gay man.

Speaking of political affiliation, I forgot to mention that we are also very red in the Florida Panhandle. We could even say, blood red. I took a poll in my Sunday School class (which is remarkably evenly divided between Democrat and Republican) to see if dating outside your political affiliation is a deal breaker. My DEMOCRAT friend, Paige, voted an emphatic "Yes!" I am not totally sure, but it would be a challenge for me. The problem with this is that being a RED area of the state, that would limit my dating pool to almost nil.

Ok, back to the Redneck Riviera. This little trait presents a problem for me because of the following dating standards without which I can't live. The guy must:

1. Have an education. This means a degree, not high school, not an AA, and not trade school. This may sound harsh to some, but education is important to me and I want my kids to have an example to follow.
2. Speak and write using correct grammar. This one has been a challenge. I am self-aware enough to know that I have an obsession with grammar. I do not expect perfection, but I have minimum standards. If a guy says, "it don't" even once, that's it. Around here, "it don't" is as common as a tan. I correct my son's texts. I know it's obsessive, and I have no desire to change it.

At any rate, I started doing online dating. It is scary and kind of fun all at once. At first I didn't tell anyone at all. I felt self conscious. I thought maybe it meant I was desperate or unable to get my own date in the real world. So it was my little secret.

After I created my profile, an agonizing process of writing who you are and what you want and finding a flattering photo, I immediately began getting message after message and wink after wink. A "wink" is like a message, but the guy or girl can send it without a message to let you know he/she is interested. I realized later that I was fresh meat. I had date after date. It is a good feeling to feel so popular and sought after.

After 5 years of starting and stopping the "online thing" as I like to call it, I have been joking for years that I was going to write about it. I decided to start with this blog so that these funny and bizarre experiences can be experienced by all. You really can't make this shit up, and it is a story that needs to be told.

I have accumulated nicknames for most of my stand-out dates. To give you a preview:

The Criminal Guy
The Sweeten the Deal Guy
My BFD
The "I Feel Like I am Cheating on My Wife" Guy
The Walk on the Beach Guy otherwise known as the Meet Me in the Walmart Parking Lot to Make Out Guy
The Short Bus
Surgery Guy
The Pantie Hose Guy
The Rash of Guys Who Were 6'6" Tall
Guys Who Lie About their Height
Guys Who Fail to Embrace Their Own Reality
and many more...stay tuned.