The Bonehead Guy

I met this guy because he, at the encouragement of my friend, played a joke on me. He contacted me on match.com under the guise of misreading my profile and thinking I liked ants rather than the “arts.” Knowing him as I do now, that was actually a pretty pitiful story. I looked at his profile and the dude could write. A rarity. He was smart. Another rarity. He did, however, go to the Naval Academy. BIG RED FLAG. We talked back and forth for a bit and eventually ended up texting on the phone.

And then he dropped the little bomb. Out of the blue. “I like your blog,” he said.

BIG ENORMOUS RED FLAG.

That kind of statement coming from someone on an online site is a heart-stopping, sick-in-the-pit of the stomach little bomb.

The mind reels. I actually have a clear understanding of that cliched phrase now. What? He knows about the blog. Crap, how did he find it? Why is he contacting me? Crap. Crap. Crap. Then it hit me. I have a girl friend who promotes it to anyone she knows and is also on match. I typed her name in a text. “Haha,” he replied. Mystery solved. I have to say, it is a little deflating to know that someone has written to you to play a joke. But that was then and this is now.

The mystery was solved and the joke was over, but he kept talking. I don’t even know what we talked about exactly in the very beginning. I know I wondered why he continued to text when he was dating someone else. Apparently you can’t have too many friends. And friends we have become. I am pretty sure I talk to him as much or more than most of my friends.

The thing I still haven’t figured out is how the conversation turned. I think I wasn’t having a great day and persistent little sucker that he is pushed for an answer. I started telling him about my divorce. I don’t tell a lot of people about that, but for some reason I told him. A total stranger that I had never met and thought I never would meet. I have never told anyone everything, but he knows as much as anyone now. I remember thinking over and over that this was just so weird. Why am I telling him these things? What if he’s not someone I can trust?

But with everything I told him, he understood. That was really weird because this whole conversation was by text. We seemed to have the ability to understand and infer each other’s meanings and moods without actual conversation. I have a love/hate relationship with that. I only let people see what I want them to see, so having him see so easily is unnerving.

Later his ability to understand became clear to me. I was telling him my story….of being married to a sociopath. He listened and asked questions and never made a judgement. The next day, he told me that his father was a sociopath.
“The whole time I was telling you, you knew?” I asked. That scared me. If he acted like he didn’t know and he did, then it felt deceptive.

“No,” he said.
“You realized it as I was telling you?”
“Yes.”

That broke my heart. He obviously knew his father wasn’t the man he should be. And it turned out he hasn’t seen him in 14 years. But to realize that your father is a sociopath because of someone else’s story is not okay. No kid no matter how old should have to realize that. And one day my kids will be adults having that same realization. Ugh.

The tie that binds is that connection to dysfunction. Great start to a great friendship, isn’t it? Those who have not experienced that level of dysfunction do not get it. I have tried to explain the dynamic of that kind of dysfunction to some friends. They never get it because they make suggestions or have ideas of how to handle it. The understanding that they lack is to do with the fact that sociopaths do not understand right from wrong and have no conscience. One of my big mantras is that you can’t rationalize with irrational people. So in talking to this guy, I can say one small thing and he has a lifetime of knowledge.

He is interested in me for my perspective on a relationship to someone like my FI. I just this minuted realized that I watch him, in part, to understand my children better. I watch him and have hope that despite having no real father, they will turn out to be smart, successful men…like he is.

This is not to say that he has it all figured out. I think his fear is probably normal, but he fears who he has been and who he will be. He worries that sociopathy is something he can’t escape. This is seriously boneheaded. I don’t think this fear overwhelms him, but that kind of thing drives me crazy. Be who you are. And screw anyone else. We have talked about choices in life. I blame the FI’s parents for many problems, but I hold the FI solely responsible for his behavior. I have only known the bonehead for a few weeks, but he has not shown me anything sociopathic. I don’t know who or where he has been. I do know that when I broke my phone, he gave me one, came to my house and set it all up and was nice to my kids. I do know that when I explained why my kids crave attention, he gave them more. That is not something that comes naturally to most people.

So the conversation began and the conversation continues. We seem to understand each other and have a curiosity about each other to learn something about ourselves.