I have been back in the dating pool for about five years now. After all of this time filled with (mostly) blog worthy dates there are things I understand and things I don't. There are people who have shown a little kindness and people who have shocked the heck out of me. There are people who have been paralyzed by their past experiences (I hope I am not one of those) and people who date with such rapid fire that I don't think they know what they want or how to get it.
Let's start with something that I get. I get that at my age, most potential dates have been through some things in life. I don't know anyone who has managed to escape some kind of pain. Most have been through divorce. And I think that from divorce (anything painful, really) comes fear. Fear enters the equation in several ways. You fear being hurt. You fear being alone. Most of all you fear that you will not see things clearly. You doubt the ability to trust yourself to see who people really are, and you distrust your ability to make the hard choices when you do see them clearly. For myself, I have a lot of fear. I know that no divorce is easy...there is no such thing as a "good" divorce. In my experience, I found out that during the whole of my marriage, I did not know the truth even for a moment. So I have fear about seeing things clearly, knowing who someone is, and trying not to question everything in my own mind. I get fear.
That leads me to something I don't get. I don't get why people, men and women, stay in situations when they do see things clearly and they know it is wrong. This happens on a shockingly regular basis. It is true for men and for women. I have seen friends who are consistently treated badly, manipulated, used, criticized, and on and on. My lack of understanding comes when they realize they are being treated this way, and for some reason, which is completely foreign to me, keep beating their heads against the wall of sanity.
I had a conversation with a friend the other day who lamented the fact that he was still attracted to someone who was clearly bad for him. She used him to fill the gaps when she was alone, she wanted him around when she wanted him. He wondered why he was still attracted to her. "She's a nutjob," he said. "I shouldn't be attracted to her."
It is hard to be alone. I get that. But it is not okay to be with someone who treats you badly (just plain jerks), makes you feel less (insecure), wants you only when it's convenient for them (power-trip/manipulator) or strings you and five other suckers along (control freak/attention seeker). I have been on the receiving end of most of these types people through the years, but only until I see the game. I am the queen of the quick exit when I see any of these BIG RED FLAGS. They are there for a reason, and we should use them!
I have said many times that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with the wrong person.
Next, I get anger. Let me tell you, when you find out that a third of your life was a lie, it will definitely tick you off. There may even be a period of hating everyone of the opposite sex on principle. I think I managed to avoid this one because I feel pretty sure there aren't many as extreme as that one. If I'm wrong, well, the world is a sad, sad, place. My anger was there, just very specifically aimed. I know a lot of people who have spewed anger at a general gender. I am sure a period of anger is probably even healthy. As long as it is LIMITED.
I don't get it when people are still in the angry phase and think they are ready to date. If an angry person is dating online, it is nearly impossible to hide the anger in what they have to say on their profiles. There is usually a very specific list of things they do not want; liars, cheaters, druggies. Those are obvious. Sometimes the criteria are more subtly coded. It comes disguised in a "what I want" sentence, but really it's a "what I don't want" sentence. I want an "independent" woman means I don't want someone who is after my money. I want someone who is "active" means no overweight people need apply. There may also be a list of things they hate. I hate drama, I hate I have psychos. I hate whiners. The thing I want to say to these men (I am sure women do it, too. I just haven't read women's profiles.) is this: THESE THINGS GO WITHOUT SAYING!! No one likes these things. And by listing them you are telling the world exactly what has happened to you in your last relationship(s). Ultimately, it makes you look like a whiner and someone who isn't over your last relationship. This is not the way to attract people to you.
I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with the wrong person.
I also get that there are times when you don't know exactly what you want or don't want, and so you want to date around. I think this is pretty healthy. I think sometimes we get an idea in our heads of what we want and that may limit who we would meet. I have seen many people end up dating someone who wasn't the idea of their "type." I think getting stuck on a type could potentially lock out someone great that you never would have noticed.
The thing I don't get is when you want to date around and you don't make that clear to your dates. It is only fair to let people know where you stand. When you know your date is more interested in you than you are, it is not fair not to let them know where you are in your dating mind. I have also been on the receiving end of this. Usually people are fine with the truth, even if feelings get a bit hurt. The truth always hurts less than making someone wonder or allowing them to believe something that isn't true. And if someone is in a different place from you, do them the courtesy of allowing them to decide based on what really is, not what you have let them think it is.
After all I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with the wrong person.
I get wanting to find someone. Most people don't want to be alone, and are searching to find "the one." I have certainly been on more dates than I thought I would ever go on.
I don't get the whole too much, too fast syndrome. I have experienced many of these types. The ones who get attached when you have never met. Sometimes it's almost all by text, others calls and texts. They started talking immediately about the future and making plans. One guy kept saying "I'm all in." The fact that I wouldn't say that after two phone conversations really annoyed him. As one friend likes to tell me, I know you are great, but a total stranger doesn't know you well enough to know that.
They fall into two of the blog categories: I love you but I 've never met you and I just want to get married and you will do. Either of these ideas makes you feel kind of ick. After having a large part of my life turn out to be a lie, I take some time to get to know someone. I have to. And I sometimes even say to these kinds of men, "I could be a nut, you have no idea after five minutes." And who wants to be the the "you will do" kind of girlfriend? Don't you want to be liked for who you actually are on the inside?
Again, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with the wrong person.
Now don't misunderstand, I would rather not be alone. I have a good life, good kids and a good job. I would still like someone to share it with, but I have been through enough pain, and I will not do that again. I certainly don't expect perfection, I just want, you know the little things, honor, character, humor, love. Easy peasy, right? Someone recently asked me what the key to my parents' 42-year marriage was. The answer came immediately. They put each other first. Easy peasy.
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